But Who Would You Live For?

Tonight I Need You To Stay

Tyler:

Josh was being weird.

It was around midnight. We were in his room sitting on his bed. Usually he would be directly beside me. His head on my shoulder or his leg crossed over mine. The contact always made me feel more comfortable. But tonight he wasn't doing any of that. I was at the head of the bed and he'd deliberately sat at the foot of the bed.

It was weird being in the same room alone together and not touching. We weren't even talking. Our only communication was through our phones. He'd see something funny online and show it to me and vise versa. But we weren't communicating.

I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong. And if something was wrong, I must be the problem. Because he was clearly upset with me. I must have done something bad.

"Hey, Josh."

"Yeah, buddy?"

I inwardly cringed at the word. I couldn't even explain to myself why. We were buddies, weren't we? It's just, Josh never called me that. I liked it better when he said my name.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, dude."

He didn't look up from his phone. I sat mine on the bed beside me. We were going to talk about this.

"Are we okay then?"

His thumbs slowed down on his keyboard before coming to an abrupt stop. Slowly he looked up at me. Confusion and dare I say annoyance painted his features.

"What?"

"You're not talking to me. You're pretending I'm not even here. You're not even sitting beside me. We always sit next to each other." It sounded stupid now that I was saying it out loud.

He smiled dismissively. Adding to my embarrassment. "Just because I'm not cuddled under you, doesn't mean something is wrong with me."

"I know that." I defended quickly. He went back to typing on his phone. Ignoring me again. "Actually, yes it does."

His eyes slid up to mine. His head stayed tilted downward. "It does?"

"Yeah. We're always close to each other because that's our relationship. We're always talking and touching because we enjoy each other's company. So I like to do it." He didn't seem moved by my speech. So I added a pathetic, "Don't you?"

"Of course I do." He sighed. Sitting his phone down. "I just need a little bit of space-"

"Why?" I slid closer to him. Closing the gap between us. "I don't like space."

"Maybe that's the problem."

"What?" I drew back. So there was a problem. And I was the cause of it.

"Tyler, you kissed me." Oh. That. "Two times."

"I know."

"That's not okay for best friends."

"Sure it is."

"No." He laughed. "It isn't."

"Yes it is! Because we're best friends and we did it. So it's okay for us."

"Normal people don't-"

"Normal?" The word bit a hole in my heart.

I slid away from him. Giving Josh all the precious space he desired so much. Actually, maybe even that wasn't enough space. Maybe I should leave. I wouldn't want to taint him with my abnormal behavior. I slid my shoes from under his bed. Stepping into them easily. My jacket was on the floor where I'd tossed it when I came in. I trudged over to pick it up. Slipping my arms through it with more force than I needed to.

"Tyler." He rose to his feet. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving." Wasn't it obvious?

"You don't have to do that."

"I don't want to be here."

"Why? You just said you liked being here-"

"I thought I did. But now I'm going to give you the opportunity to hang out with some normal people." I zipped the jacket up aggressively. Getting my shirt stuck in the zipper half way through.

"Why would I want to hang out with normal people when I have a freak like you?"

I froze. My eyes widening at his hurtful words. No way he actually just said that. "Screw you, Josh." I tried to continue zipping up my jacket but it wouldn't budge. My fingers tightened as I tried to pull the zipper back down.

"I didn't mean it like that!" He darted to my side. Grabbing my hands away from my jacket. "I was joking. I'm so sorry if you took it the wrong way. Please, Tyler. I'm really sorry."

"Whatever." I snatched away from him easily enough. He usually held onto me tighter than that. He must subconsciously want me to leave. "I'm leaving."

"Please-"

"You want some space?" I repeated his words back to him. "I'll give you all the space in the world!"

"I don't freaking want space!" His voice was loud enough to wake everyone in the house. "I just want you to stop confusing me."

"What?" I wasn't the one being confusing. He was.

"You're confusing me, Tyler." His voice was smaller now. "I don't know how I'm supposed to see you. And when I finally think I've figured it out, you mess it up again."

"I-I'm not following." But I was. I just wanted him to say out loud what I'd been thinking for months.

"Of course you're not." He groaned in frustration. "And you're not leaving until we figure this out." He yanked at my zipper. It ripped open easily. It was probably broken now.

"Okay." I let the jacket slip away from my arms and onto the floor again.

"We're best friends, right?" He guided me back to the bed.

"Yeah." I sat down. He remained standing.

"What exactly does that entail?"

"Whatever we want it to."

"What do you want?"

My stomach lurched. He wasn't ready for what I wanted. I don't even know if I was ready for what I wanted. So I was going to let him guide this conversation. "Whatever you want."

"I want you."

There it was.

"Okay." The right side of my mouth lifted into the ghost of a smile. I bit the left side to prevent the full blown grin. "You can have that."

"Yeah?" He let out the breath I didn't notice he was holding.

"Yeah."

"Yeah." He bit his lip. His hand curved to the side of my face. His four fingers pressed against the back of my neck. His thumb flicked at my earlobe. I tilted my head upward as Josh's face descended to mine.

This was the first time Josh was initiating the kiss. It made me feel small and vulnerable. My eyelids fluttered shut when we finally connected. It was a familiar feeling yet the butterflies were still swarming wild in my gut.

Josh pushed our lips together harder than I ever had. He pried mine open using his own. His tongue exploring the inside of my mouth before I could stop him. As if I would stop him.

My brain worked overtime trying to memorize his taste. I needed to store it somewhere deep in my mind. It was such an overpowering flavor. I knew that when my dark thoughts returned, all I would have to do is remember the taste of Josh and they'd leave running.