But Who Would You Live For?

I'm Not Good Without You

Tyler:

"I can't find my tie." I cradled the phone between my neck and shoulder. Freeing my hands to look in my carry-on bag for the umpteenth time. It wasn't that I thought It would magically appear if I kept going back enough. I just didn't have anywhere else to look and standing around was like accepting that I was never going to find it. I checked every surface in this room twice and was starting to panic.

"When is the last time you can remember having it?" Jenna's voice was calm which was exactly what I needed.

"When I tried it on last week." I sighed. "I already had Jay drive back to the house and search for it. It's not there."

She hummed. "Did you check the pocket of your jacket?"

"What?" I switched the phone back to my hand.

"The pocket of your jacket." It's like I could hear her smiling. "Sometimes you fold your ties and put them in your pocket when we come from events. So maybe you did it again."

"I've never found a tie in my pocket before."

"Because I always take them out for you." I could hear her saying something in a muffled voice. Like she placed the phone down or covered the microphone with her hand. After a few seconds her voice was back loud and clear. "Did you check?"

"I'm checking now." I pushed myself from the wall and walked to where the jacket of the tux was hanging up. "But I know it's not going to be in there." As I was talking, I slipped my hand into the first pocket. "I'm pretty sure I would know if-" I pressed my lips together.

"You would know if what?" Jenna taunted.

"Nothing." I wrapped my hand around the folded silk.

Jenna giggled into the receiver. "It was in your pocket wasn't it?"

"Shut up." I grinned. "I'll see you in a bit."

"I'll be the one in white."

That earnd an unattractive snort from me. "That's so original."

"I love you, Ty."

"I love you back." I pressed the screen to end the call.

I stood in front of the floor length mirror to watch myself attempt to put on the tie. The silk felt soft and smooth in my fingers. I was never the best at tying knots. The double meaning of that was not lost on me. But that's not the way I meant it. Two failed attempts later and I was slipping it from my neck completely. Smoothing the fabric onto the table beside me.

The door swung open and Josh's reflection appeared behind my own. He was a vision in his all black attire. The cut of his suit fit the form of his body perfectly. The jacket stretched over his broad shoulders. Making him appear bigger than he actually was. His pants were tight enough to show off the muscle of his thighs without being obscene. Josh's bright red hair was the icing on the cake to his sinfully all black suit.

My heartbeat stuttered when he draped the tie back around my neck. He stepped closer until he was no more than a hair away from my back. I held my breath as his hands went to work fixing the tie around my neck. He kept his eyes trained on my throat as he did so. When he was done, he smoothed it down the front of my shirt with his palm. His hand stayed pressed on my chest.

His eyes slid up slowly to mine in the mirror. I covered his hand with mine to keep it in place. Not like he was moving it anyway.

"This is it." Josh's fingers flexed under my own. Nervous energy. I knew the feeling. "This is the end of us."

He wasn't saying it accusingly. Just stating facts. Saying things I already knew. I'd made my decision knowing Josh would respect it whether I chose him or Jenna. Not exactly because I loved her more. I loved her differently. Jenna gave her entire self to me. Josh admitted that he didn't know if he could let go of Debby. I certainly didn't think I could get over Jenna. In a perfect world, I'd merge the two. Make them one perfect spouse. But we didn't live in a perfect world. Sacrifices were needed and I was making mine.

So, no, Josh didn't mean his words bitterly. But they still left a sour taste in my mouth. After today I would belong fully to Jenna. I was declaring it openly in front of all our friends, family and God. And Josh. I as going to stand in the front of my best friend and tell my girlfriend how much I loved her. Josh was going to watch me marry Jenna. I was actually going to marry Jenna. It was all going to be real in mere moments. No going back. No getting out of this. No more Josh.

"I can't do this."

Josh tried to pull his hand away but I held it tighter. "Tyler."

"This is the end of us." I twisted my head to look back at him. "We can't let this be the end of us."

"Tyler." His tone wasn't as gentle as I would have liked. "I'm not doing this with you anymore when you're married. I shouldn't have been doing it when you were engaged. This.. thing should have stopped as soon as you started seeing her."

"I know." I hid my face in both my hands. Josh ended our contact but didn't step back. "Oh God, I know that."

"Tyler, you need to calm down."

"You hate me, don't you?" I could feel the edges of my vision began to blur. I could feel the black thoughts of my mind clouding over me. Not today. Please not today.

"I love you. You know I love you."

I circled to face him. Bumping the back of my head on the glass as I did. "I love you more. I never let myself admit that even in my head but I love you so much more. You don't understand."

"I understand that you're afraid. That's normal." He took a step back. Aggravatingly distancing himself like that was what I wanted. "You're about to link yourself to someone for the rest of your life. You're allowed to second guess. But what you're not allowed to do is play between me and Jenna as your emotions see fit. It's time to stop being so fickle"

"That's not it-"

"When you put that ring on Jenna's finger you made a promise to her. A promise that you're going to keep today." He ran his hand through his hair. "Look, maybe you do love me more. You've known me way longer. But I could tell from the first time you looked at her that you loved Jenna. Don't you think that love deserves a chance to increase the same way?"

"It's different."

"How?"

"She- you- what about the voice?"

"Blurry?" I nodded. "Jenna's helped you through that before. You told me yourself that he leaves a soon as she's around."

"He runs from Jenna. But as soon as she leaves, he comes back." I took a step towards him. "When you talk me down, he's gone for months."

Josh's smile was sad. "Then don't let her leave, Ty."

Unsure of what else to do with the surge of feeling vibrating my frame, I grabbed my best friend into a hug. The kind that made it difficult to breath. The door the room swung open the second after I let go.

"You found the tie!" Jay cheered.

"There's -uh- something in the hall for you." Zack poked his head into the room.

I spared a glace at Josh who wasn't looking at me anymore. I walked to where my brothers were standing near the entrance. There was what appeared to be a small, portable radiator with a card taped to the top. I plucked it from the adhesive and opened it.

I got you a space heater in case you got cold feet <3
-Jenna Joseph

My body felt tons lighter as I read the card over and over again. I barked out a laugh. I don't know why, but this was exactly what I needed. Josh was right. I did have a fickleness that needed to be stopped. And what better day to bring it to an end than my wedding day? What better person was there to give myself over to than someone who already had most of me? I slipped the card into my pocket. Ignoring the questioning stares from my brothers and my friends.

This was it. Jenna was it.