But Who Would You Live For?

I Wake Up Fine And Dandy

Tyler:

The morning after didn't go as I picured it would. I didn't wake up in a blanket stained with sex and sweat. My body wasn't pained from the activities before hand. I wasn't mentally destorying myself for what had to be a clear stab in the back to my christian beliefs.

Instead I woke up to the feeling of scratchy hotel blankets and Joshua's left arm pinning me to the bed. And it wasn't really the morning after. The clock on the table read 2:18 am. He was laid out on his stomach while I rested on my back. His sleeping face withing kissing distance of mine. The room smelled like warmth and Josh's deoderant. But that could just be because of the proximity between my face and his armpit. There was a certain stiffness to my body that couldn't quite be labeled as sore. Josh was anything but rough with me last night. In fact, he was gentle in a way that could have been annoying if it wasn't Josh. And mentally, I was fine. Sure, the underlying guilt was there but it didn't show it's full form. It was giving me time to enjoy this moment. As for the issue of my religion, well, what was more religous than love?

A part of me was uneasy with how much Josh seemed to know what he was doing. I knew he slept with Debby before but that was different than him sleeping with another man. His touches didn't seem as hesitant and unsure as mine. A confidence that Josh didn't usually possess was oozing from every pore in his body as we moved with each other. It made me feel juvenile and inexperienced. On the plus side, it made me feel safe. On the negative side, it made my mind wonder in a way I'd rather it didn't. How did my best friend seem to know so much about gay sex? What if there was a whole side of Joshua's life that I didn't know about?

"I can feel you staring at me." He spoke through the side of his mouth. Not bothering to open his eyes when he added. "I can feel you thinking too much."

"Good morning."

His eyes opened at that. "Good morning, Ty." He furrowed his eyebrows. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"How is your body feeling?"

Don't blush. Do not blush. You are a grown man. "Fine." I cursed the heating of my cheeks.

"How is you-"

"Fine, Josh." I cut him off before he could ask something to embarrass us both. "Eveything is fine."

He smirked knowingly. And then all the bravado from the night before faded. Josh looked anxious. Worried. "We're still friends, right?"

"Of course we're friends. How could you ask that?"

"I-I didn't want you to see me diffrently after last night."

"Last night just made us closer." Closer than him and Debby.

His smile was more authentic this time. Lopsided and free. The Josh smile I was used to. "Good."

"You were really good."

He stared at my chin to avoid my eyes. "Thank you. So were you."

"No, I mean it." This wasn't a conversation I wanted to have, but it was one I needed to have. "You seemed to know your way around the bedroom."

"Curtousy of my gir-Debby."

"But that isn't the same thing, That doesn't require the same... preperations you seemed to be an expert on."

I noticed the moment he caught on to my tone. "What are you saying, Tyler?"

"Have you done that before?"

"Sex?"

"With a man."

When his eyes slid up to mine, they were fire. "No."