But Who Would You Live For?

Get Up, Johnny Boy

Tyler:

I've never been a fan of the dark. Not that I was afraid of it. I wasn't. It was the aspect of the unknown that lived in the dark. Because what was more frightening than the unknown? Well, besides knowing all too much. Darkness in it's vast majority could be full of so much. It could contain everything. Or it could contain nothing at all. And you mean to tell me that  knowledge, or lack there of, doesn't make you wary?

Yes, darkness was a mystery, but it'd become my normal. Everyday I woke up in darkness and everyday I fell alseep in the same manner. Or maybe I never fell asleep. Hell, maybe I never woke up. All I knew for sure was that I was living in a never ending cycle of black solitude. There was the occasional sound made in the distance, or maybe it was closer than I thought, just to keep me on my toes. Metaphorically at least because I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually felt my toes. I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt anything at all. Well, besides the solitude of the lack of light.

Despite all that was a mystery in my darkness, I felt as if I could write a ten page sonnet on it. Or, at least, on the way it made me feel. Emotionally of course. Without any real way to measure the temperature around me, I knew I was cold. The kind of emptiness I felt wasn't something identified with warmth. I felt lonely. Abandoned. There were so many people in my life who claimed to love me beyond measure. So why was I left in this darkness to suffer alone? Why hadn't anyone come to rescue me from these pits?

Where was God?

As soon as the blasphemous question infiltrated by mind, so did something else. Not the light I was looking for. But something close enough. Something that made the darkness a little less unknown. A sound. And not just the occational scrape or knock I'd been hearing since this darkness took control of my life. No, this was something less skin prickling, more hope bringing.

A voice.

A voice that I'd been hearing since before I was born into the world. A voice that brought me the peace I didn't realize I was searching for in this darkness. A voice that was -for all intensive purposes- a light. A light to my soul at least. My mother. I would recognize the sound of her breathing so of course her voice struck a familiar cord. My mother was here somewhere in this darkness. Maybe she was coming to save me, maybe she was just as lost as I was. All that mattered was that she was here. I knew I couldn't call out to her. I'd been trying to call out to anyone since I got stuck here. I just needed to listen a little harder. Maybe her words will save me since my own failed.

The harder I listened, the more difficult it became to hear her. Suddenly there was more noise than I bargained for. Not just my mother's jumbled words. There were sounds my brain was having trouble identifying. Some I recognized immediately. A beep. A scratch. A tap. Foot steps. A sob? And then the voices. So many more voices. My mind shifted into overdrive to identify them all.

Obviously my mother's was in the forefront. But the background refused to go ignored. Dad. Madison. Zack. Jenna. Jay. Josh. My family. My loves. My heroes. Invading the darkness. Defying the unknown obstacles to save me from the hell my mind created.

All at once my prayers were answered. Without further ado, the lord heard my begging and granted me the most powerful one. A painful brightness broke through the dark before I had time to register what was going on. My head pounded against the powerful light. All my vision was capable of seeing was white. A kind that was almost as empty as the blackness before it. Unlike the darkness, the new light came with a building warmth. Was this heaven? What could I have possibly done in my life to deserve eternal happiness?

The feelings of a physical body disputed all thoughts of the after life. I could feel. Unfortunately the physical feeling were all horrible. But at least they were existing. The voices became less in my head and more out of body. They were louder. Frantic. Not at all helping with the budding migraine beginning to form around my temples. The white began to fade. The pain began to increase. I began to exist.