But Who Would You Live For?

Suicidal Head Case

Tyler:

I stared at the phone in my hands. Reading to two message conversation over and over. It was enough to make me feel better for now. But it was starting to wear off. I was starting to feel darker again. I could practically hear the devil in my head barking menacing things at me.

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

YOU'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH

HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO SIT AROUND AND DISAPPOINT YOUR FAMILY?

WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?

I stared down at my messages with Josh. Reading them for the twentieth time since he'd texted back.

I need you to come here.

Josh ❤: I'm on my way now.

I wondered what he was doing when I texted. Probably nothing of importance. Or he wouldn't have texted back right away. He wouldn't have stopped in the middle of whatever he was doing just because I told him to.

The message was sent ten minutes ago. Where was he? What if he was doing something important? What if he just told me he was on his way so that I'd leave him alone? What if he was tired of me? Just like my other frinends were tired of me. Just like my family was tired of me. Just like I was tired of me.

I closed my eyes at the dark thought. I might as well be surrounded in darkness if my brain was going to live in it.

"He's in his room." I heard my mother's weak attempt at a whisper. "B-But I think he's not feeling well. Sometimes he gets in these moods. I wouldn't want him to snap at you or-"

"I'll be okay." Josh thankfully interrupted her. If things get too intense, I'll just leave."

"Okay."

"Tyler?" His voice was higher. My door creaked in warning as he walked in. I didn't bother to open my eyes yet. "It's me Josh. Are you meditating?"

"No." I opened my eyes. "I was just thinking."

"Sitting in the middle of the floor with your eyes closed?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." He nodded more to himself than to me. "Okay." He closed the door and walked in. Sitting beside me on the floor. "What's up?"

"Nothing."

"Are you okay?"

My instinct was to say yes. It was a programmed response in most people to lie about that. But this was Josh I was talking to. He already knew something was wrong. My text was the first sign, my mother's warning was the second, and the way I was acting was the final nail in the metaphorical coffin.

OH BUT HOW A REAL COFFIN WOULD SUIT YOU SO MUCH BETTER.

"SHUT UP!" I finally let myself yell back.

Josh's eyes widened. "I'm sorry. I was just asking."

"Not you." I explained quickly. "It's him!" My finger pressed against the base of my forehead. "He won't shut up! He won't leave me alone."

"I-"

Josh's lips snapped shut. He pursed them. Probably trying to think of a way to get away from me without hurting my feelings. I didn't blame him. I wished I could get away from me. Or not me, him. The him that was inside of me. Dear God, I'm insane.

YOU'RE PATHETIC

"I'm not pathetic!" I didn't yell it this time. Because I was right. He was right. My words came out just as pathetic as I felt.