But Who Would You Live For?

My Catastrophe

Joshua:

They told me I'd only be waiting a few minutes. That they were just going to do the MRI and set up his room. The nurse promised she'd come get me from the waiting room as soon as they were done.

That promise was made three hours ago.

What in the world could take that long to set up in his room? What if something bad happened during the brain scan? What if they found something terribly wrong with his brain? Wouldn't they tell me? Shouldn't they tell me? I was the only relative he had here. Well, at least that's what they thought.

Waiting and not knowing anything that was going on was almost worse than watching Tyler's head hit the stage. I felt just as helpless. I was just as afraid. Only now I couldn't even see him. I couldn't rush to his side to hold his hand and whisper to him that everything was going to be alright. There was nothing I could do but sit and wait. Biting my nails and tapping my toes. My best friend was back there hurt and I couldn't help him.

The hopelessness spread through me like a wild fire. I wasn't good for anything. I should have gotten up when I saw that guy pulling his leg. I should have punched him in the face or something. I should have been there to catch Tyler when he fell. I should have done something.

"Josh?" Jenna's soft voice broke through my excruciating thoughts.

"Jenna." I stood up from the bottom numbing chair to pull her into a hug. The four other people in the family waiting room stared over at us.

"Where is Tyler? Josh, what happened?"

I could tell she'd been crying. Her eyes were rimmed with red and shinning with sadness.

"We were performing Car Radio and he was climbing the side of the stage. The security guard tried to pull him down and he fell and just." I squeezed my eyes shut. Replaying the fall over and over again in my head. Torturing myself. Making myself sick. "He fell and hit his head."

"Oh my God!" She let go of me to cover her face with her hands. Burying her silent sobs into her palms. "Tyler."

I couldn't comfort her. I couldn't even comfort myself. The most important person in my life, in both of our lives, was unconscious in this hospital somewhere. And we didn't know if he was okay. If he would ever be okay again.

Jenna let me guide her into a chair. I sat in the one directly beside her and listened to her almost inaudible cries. I wanted to cry with her but I couldn't. Crying would be me accepting the worst fate. That Tyler wasn't going to be okay at all. Crying would be my faith in God breaking. Neither of us had any knowledge of his well being. So I was going to assume he was still alive. I was going to assume he was doing okay. It was a pathetic way to stay strong but it was all I had.

"Mr. Joseph?"

Jenna looked at the same time I did. Her broken, blue eyes glistening up at the speaker. The woman who I'd spoken to earlier was standing in the open doorway. Her look of indifference both calming and frightening me. I sprung up from the chair to walk over to her. Jenna followed at a slower pace.

"Is she a family member?" The question was referring to Jenna but directed at me.

"Yeah she's his-" The word wife was dancing at the tip of my tongue but I swallowed it. I couldn't answer that honestly. Not when my only leverage for being allowed here was as Tyler's husband. "Yes."

Both women looked suspicious of my answer but the doctor continued on anyway. At a volume only the three of us could hear.

"Your husband suffered a serious brain injury. The impact of the fall caused swelling of the brain. This swelling has caused the brain to push down on his brain stem. Which could be damaging his reticular activating system. Are you aware of what that is?"

Both Jenna and I shook our heads in unison. Now not only was I unable to help my best friend, I was an idiot who didn't even understand what was wrong.

"The reticular activating system, or the RAS, is the part of his brain responsible for his awareness. The part of him that keeps him awake. There are two types of brain traumas. Concussions and contusions. A concussion is from the brain simply being shaken. Unfortunately Tyler is suffering from a contusion. Which is a direct injury to the brain. His loss of consciousness from the trauma makes his situation more dangerous. Certain parts of his brain could currently be losing oxygen. That has been known to cause irreversible damage."

"Oh, God." Jenna was crying into her hands again. The doctor completely ignored her.

Every organ in my body was twisting tighter with each word she said. I was waiting for the news that Tyler was going to be okay but hearing the opposite. I bit down on the inside of my cheek to prevent a Jenna like breakdown. Because she couldn't handle the news, I needed to summon enough strength for both of us.

"The MRI results showed the swelling just as we thought it would. There is also a slight blockage in the left cerebral cortex of his brain. We've put him on a blood thinner to avoid any possible strokes."

"Is that all?" The question was asked in desperation. Please let it be all. She was speaking too much. Using too many words I didn't understand.

"That's all we know for know."

"There could be more things wrong with him?" Jenna slid her hands away from her face. Spreading the tears as she did so.

"Possibly."

"Can we see him?"

"Of course." She nodded. "How are you related to the patient?"

"I'm his-"

"Sister." I finished for her.

"Sister?" Jenna repeated almost too low to hear. Like she was making sure she heard me right.

"You're his sister?" She asked for reassurance. Clearly not understanding Jenna's reaction.

"She is." I nodded.

"I am?"

It was clearly a question. And it was clearly being directed at me. But the doctor was too in her own head to notice. She took the two words as a confirming statement.

"Okay. Good." A dull beeping sound seemed to catch her full attention. She looked down at a small black pager on her hip. Whispering a number to herself twice before looking at us again. "I'm going to have to deal with this. Uh, your husband can have only one visitor at a time. So I'm going to take you to him first. And then you two can take turns visiting."

"His husband?" Jenna was still in the same state of confusion. "Josh?"

"I'll only be in there for a second. And then I'll come back and let you go." I promised.

"Josh?"

"Just give me a second, Jenna. Please."

"Let's go." The doctor began walking away so I had to follow. I glanced over my shoulder and Jenna was still standing there. Lost.