But Who Would You Live For?

Heaven Forbid They See You Cry

Joshua:

I understood that I couldn't have Tyler to myself anymore. We weren't the only ones in each other's lives anymore. Well, at least, I wasn't the only one in his life anymore. He was a married man and of course his wife would want to be around him while he was unconscious in the hospital. That was her right. It was only fair. She'd been more than generous by playing along with my lie to the hospital staff. Giving me the oportunity to do things I wouldn't be able to as just a friend. Reviewing the medical charts I didn't understand, asking doctors and nurses about his condition, even being allowed to stay in the hospital past visiting hours.

Jenna was kind and I was entirely grateful.

But I still felt like I deserved more. I'd known Tyler longer than she had. I loved him first. So I would appreciate more time alone with him. I should have more time alone with him. It was hard letting myself grieve freely with Jenna holding his hand a foot away.

So as soon as her mother whisked her away to the cafeteria, I mad a mad dash for Tyler's hospital room. High fiving myself for perfect timing when I saw no workers were standing over him. I closed the door and sat in the chair. Sliding it as close to the bed as possible. Ignoring the feeling of the bed railing pushing into my knees.

Tyler's hand wasn't cold in mine like I expected it to be. Still it wasn't as warm as it should be. As warm as I was used to it being. And it was too still. I missed the way his fingers would automatically curl into mine when I held his hand. This wasn't right. None of this was the way it should be. But at least he was breathing. I took comfort in the shallow rise and fall of his chest under the thin sheet.

"How are you doing today, Tyler?" I paused, waiting for a response, wishing a miracle would happen and he'd tell me he was alright. Stupid me. I should have stopped believing in miracles three days ago. "It's cold as hell in this room." I continued on. Just because he couldn't talk back, didn't mean he coudn't hear. I'd seen enough movies and read enough books to give me that faith. "It's so cold in here. I wish they would give you a better blanket. It's freezing and all you have on is that hospital gown and that pathetic excuse for a blanket. Squeeze my hand if you're cold." I waited. Nothing happened. My heart cracked in it's center. "Liar." I closed my eyes. Focusing on the beeping of the heart monitor. Focusing on the blessing that Tyler was still alive in his unmoving body. "I hate that you can't talk to me. Can't tell me if you're in pain. I would tell them to increase your pain medications. And I know how much you hate the dark. And now that'll all you're seeing.

"Is Blurry there? Has he been bothering you these past few days? Because if he is, you don't have to listen to him. Tyler. He's a liar no matter what state you're in. You matter. You matter and your life does too. You're going to beat this fucking coma because you're the strongest person I know. You're going to beat this because you need to. I need you to. Jenna needs you to. The world needs you to. Tyler, you, your words, your music matters to so many people. I wasn't kidding when I told you that you saved my life. Blurry is just some weak faceless man. You don't need to fear someone who has to prey on you when you're weak. You don't have to offer him a seat at the table any longer. Fuck him.

"I've been at his hospital since you fell. I can't remember the last time I ate. I think I ate something the day before yesterday but how can I be sure? At least I actually managed to sleep last night." I bit down on my lip. "Look at me, complaining about lack of sleep when you can't even wake up. How selfish am I? It's no wonder the whole world hates me." I held up my free hand. "Don't you even try to convince me otherwise because it's true. You should see the tweet and messages I'm getting on social media. A bunch of people I don't even know telling me how I would be nothing without you. Telling me how I'm not even an important part of the band. Do you know someone even said they wished I would have fallen instead? I know what you're going to say. Stop listening to those losers hiding behind a screen. But I can't. Especially not when they're so right about everything. There's a whole Twitter thread dedicated to the ways I could have saved you." My head was suddenly too heavy to hold up. I let it fall on the edge of the bed. "Why didn't I save you? W-Why d-didn't I save y-you? I'm so sorry, Tyler."

Finally I could break down. Just me and Tyler. No Jenna. Neither of his parents. None of his siblings. Not even a doctor. I let myself cry as loud as I wanted to. Tyler's hand was the only thing grounding me. Keeping me from spiraling. I buried my face deeping into the hospital sheet. Covering both my nose and my mouth. Maybe if I pressed down hard enough, long enough, I wouldn't feel like I was about to break into two.

"Mr. Joseph?" A soft voice came from the other side of the room. I didn't even hear the door open.

"Yes?" I mumbled into the bed. Too embarrassed to lift my head.

"There's someone in the waiting room for you. I-she isn't allowed in your husband's room. She isn't a family member."

"Okay." I replied. Not really paying attention to anything she was saying.

"I'll tell her you're on your way out." She didn't wait for me to respond. She left the room. Closing the door behind her.

When I was sure I was alone with my best friend again, I sat up. Grabbing an excessive amount of tissues from the box beside his bed to wipe my face clean.

"I'll be right back." I assured Tyler as I walked towards the door. "I promise. I love you."

I took my time returning to the waiting room. Dragging my feet on the pristine tile floors as I moved. My sluggish movement earned me a few glanced from the staff but no one spoke out.

"Joshua." Debby spotted me before I spotted her. She wasn't in the waiting room. She was standing just outside the entrance of it.

"Debby? I- What?"

Smooth, Dun. Real smooth.

I had six months to prepare what I would say when she finally spoke to me again. Yet all I could come up with was her name and a one word question. To be fair, I was in a state of grieving. Add that to the shock of seeing my ex-girlfriend again and it was impressive I'd even gotten that much out. Debby wasn't supposed to be here. The last I'd heard Debby was in New York filming something. And I hadn't even heard that directly from her. I saw it on her Twitter a month ago.

"I brought you food." She lifted up the bag I didn't notice she was holding. That was all she said. She didn't explain what she was doing here. She didn't ask questions. She didn't mention Tyler at all. Debby always knew what I did and didn't need. When I didn't acknowledge her, she sighed, dropping her arms to her sides. "All I can offer you is this shitty salad and all the love in my body."

"W-What kind of salad is i-it?" I stammered. Keeping my eyes on it as I approached her.

"Caesar." She held her arms open to accommodate me. "But I think you need the love first."

I fell into her arms and by some grace unknown to me, she managed to hold us both up. Then, in the middle of the hospital, in front of a bunch of strangers, in front of Debby, I broke down for the second time.