But Who Would You Live For?

My Conscience Wearing Thin

Joshua:

"Please tell me it's been raining all week like it has here." I begged into the phone as I stood at the window. Watching the water droplets race to the bottom of the glass.

Tyler snickered back. Happy with my exaggerated misfortune. Today was only the second day it'd rained. But it felt like it should have rained the other five days since Tyler left. My mood had been mysteriously melancholy since the wedding. If Debby noticed, she didn't voice her opinion on it. It was an unspoken decision not to talk about why I was suddenly pouting all the time. Moping around the house. Listening to my own album in my headphones. Why I hadn't been outside since the start of the week.

It was unfair for me to react this way to my best friend's happiness. And not just unfair in the way that Tyler deserved this honeymoon. It was inconsiderate for me to put my girlfriend through my mopey mood. She wasn't complaining about it because Debby would never do something like that. In fact, she seemed to understand exactly what I wanted without me telling her. Without me knowing myself.

When I wanted to be alone, Debby was no where to be seen. I didn't know if she left the house or was hiding from me. The point was I was left alone as I wanted. When I just needed company, Debby would miraculously appear. Chilling on the couch to watch movies with me. Or sitting at the table to share a meal. When all I wanted was to be distracted from my thoughts, Debby was talking to me. Going off on tangents about mundane things that didn't require a response, but still required at least some of my attention to keep up. And when I wanted to be lost in the oblivion of our intimacy .... well, you get the idea.

Today was going to be one of my just be in my presence moods. Our favorite blanket was already spread out on the couch. Forest Gump was paused on the television screen. Domino was stretched out at the top of the sofa waiting for us. Debby wasn't there yet but she would be. She always was. But then Tyler's name and picture flashed on the front of my screen and my mood shifted. I hadn't heard from him since the reception so it took all of a millisecond for me to pick up.

Which brought me back to where I was now. Standing at my window with Tyler laughing in my ear. Lifting the grey that had taken over my mind this past week.

"I think I forgot what rain looks like." He sighed happily. "The only water I know is the crystal clear rivers we swam in this morning."

"You did not swim in a river!"

"I did!" I could practically feel his frantic nodding through the phone. "It was so amazing, Josh."

"I'm jealous."

"You should be." He agreed.

I pressed my forehead against the cool glass. "I wish I could be swimming in a river."

"I wish you were here too." His voice was lower.

My head snapped up. "What?"

"You and Debby would have so much fun here."

"Oh." I let my body relax again. "Debby would love that." And she would. Debby was a lover of life. She'd love almost anything.

"We didn't get here until Tuesday. You know we spent the first few days in that fancy hotel just outside of town."

"Tuesday?" My eyebrows furrowed. "I thought you were just spending the weekend there before you left."

"We were supposed to. But we got... distracted. It nice to just relax in a room and not move."

"Right." I rolled my eyes knowing he couldn't see it. Keeping my tone as light as possible to not betray the weird uneasiness I felt. "I'm sure you weren't moving."