But Who Would You Live For?

Best Friends With My Doubt

Joshua:

I knew there was no such thing as the perfect life. Though I was living as closely to it as I could ever imagine. I had my dream job and it was actually paying the bills now. More than paying the bills, but who likes a bragger? I had the perfect girl friend. Debby was pretty, smart, successful, kind and any other positive adjective one could think of for a woman. We moved into a beautiful house. Purchased matching cars. Even adopted a kitten. It was almost story book the way everything seemed to fall into place around me.

A part of me -a very selfish part- wondered how my life would differ if Tyler and I decided to pursue the more interesting part of our relationship. We'd certainly have a smaller house. Tyler wouldn't need or want the extra space. We'd only have one car because Tyler and I were never apart. With the way our schedules required us to be away from home we could never have a cat.

"You're hogging all the popcorn." Debby complained from my side.

"Sorry."

I slipped my hand from the microwaved bag and pushed it in her direction. It was Thursday night and Thursday nights were movie nights in the Dun/Ryan household. We were on our third romance film with no signs of sleep in either of our eyes. Neither of us had anywhere to be in the immediate future. Tyler and I had a band interview earlier and now I was free until the show Saturday. I had plenty of time to have random movie sessions with my girlfriend and cat.

The sharp sound of knocks at the door caused us both to flinch. Debby and I shared a look, the same question between us. Are you expecting anyone? Of course neither of was. She dis-tangled from the blanket first. Patting my knee to tell me to stay put as she got the door. I grabbed the remote to pause the TV so I could hear.

"Tyler?" Debby glanced back at where I was sitting. "Are you alright?"

"Tyler?"

I bolted to Debby's side at the door. Unprepared for the sight in front of me. Tyler stood in the doorway with his head bowed and his shoulders slumped. His face was pink and wet with the silent tears that were  still coming. He looked utterly and completely wrecked. It must be something serious if he'd come here instead of going to Jenna. Tyler wasn't the type to show his emotions to everyone. But he wasn't even attempting to hide his current breakdown from my girlfriend. Not a wiped tear or a brave face.

Though it wasn't her fault, I couldn't help but feel like Debby was intruding on this moment she shouldn't be witnessing. This part of Tyler she wasn't granted the right to see. I brushed past her, helping him into the house. My hand cupped the back of his head to hide his face in my neck. Debby stepped out of the way without being asked.

"I-I'm going to go finish up something in the room." She motioned over her shoulder.

I nodded in confirmation and she was gone. Taking Domino with her. I guided Tyler deeper into the house without making him lift his head. Tyler's fragile mood made him submissive enough to not question it. He let me pull him to the couch to sit down. His hands clutched my shoulders to make it impossible for me to sit more than an inch away from him.

"Ty." I pet his hair in what I hoped was a soothing manner. "You have to tell me what's wrong."

"It's Jenna." He groaned.

My anxiety peeked in. "Jenna? What's wrong with Jenna? Is she okay?"

"She's fine." He pushed himself closer to me. His nose brushed my neck. "We're not."

"What does that mean? Tyler, you have to talk to me."

"I can't do it, Josh."

I tugged at the ends of his hair. Only enough to raise his head. "You can." I spoke sternly. "Talk to me."

The hold I had on his hair prevented him from shaking his head. "I can't marry her. I really can't."

Traitorous hope spiked through my chest. What if they broke up? What if he was choosing me? I didn't know how either of those thoughts made me feel. I mean, of course I wanted Tyler. But what about Debby? I wanted her too. It wasn't fair to have them both. It wouldn't be possible to have them both. So who would be better for me? Wait, was I really having this conversation with myself while my best friend was sitting in front of me crying?

"What? Why not?"

"We just had the worst fight." Tyler wiped his face with the back of his hand. "The problem started this morning and I thought that if I just left and gave us time to cool down things would get better. But when I came back after the interview she was still being snarky. The next thing I knew, we were having some sort of weird whisper argument so we wouldn't wake Mercy."

"And you left?"

"Yes. I can't- I don't want to be around her anymore."

"That's insane, Tyler." I let my hands drop into my lap. "All couples fight."

"I've never seen you and Debby fight."

"Because it's a personal thing we keep to ourselves." Tyler stiffened and I resisted the urge to swear. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me about this." He nodded but his blood shot eyes were wary. "What did you fight about?"

"Y-You."

I drew back. "Me? What did I do?"

"Nothing."

"I don't understand."

He crossed his arms over his chest. Shielding himself from me. My comment about keeping things to yourself must have bothered him. "You and I have been hanging out less. She thinks it's because we had some sort of lover's quarrel."

My eyes widened. "She knows?"

"No. She just... assumes some things-"

"So tell her nothing is happening."

"I did!" He insisted. Tyler's deep brown eyes snuck a glance at my lips before meeting my eyes again. "But why isn't it?"

I wet my lips with my tongue. "Because we're in love with other people."

"And we're in love with each other."

I snatched my eyes away from his. Refusing to let him sweep me up in his warm words and desperate gaze. "You decided how things should be, Tyler."

He unfolded his arms. Placing his hands on my thighs and leaning forward. Even with his reddened face and slightly swollen eyes, he was beautiful. Without realizing it my body gravitated towards his like a magnet.

"Josh, I miss you so much all the time. Yet I feel like you don't miss me at all."

I scoffed. "I miss you every time I breathe and you're not in the same room." A glance over my shoulder showed me that the bedroom door was still shut. Debby was on the other side worrying about what was going on in here. Maybe she could hear us. Maybe she couldn't, Either way, I wasn't going to risk it. Risk Debby. "Let's go." I stood up. Holding a hand out for Tyler.

He allowed me to drag him up. "Where?"

"We're going to make love." I barely spoke above a whisper. "And then we're going to figure everything out."