But Who Would You Live For?

Friend, Please

Jenna:

Josh was already sitting in a booth when I entered the diner. I forced a friendly expression as I walked to the table despite my nervousness.

This wasn't going to be a fun conversation to have. I just couldn't not talk about it anymore. I didn't know who else to turn to. And since Tyler continuously begged for Josh during his mental breakdown, his best friend must be the one who usually takes care of him during those times. Which meant Josh was aware of what Tyler was dealing with. Tyler wanted to pretend that it never happened when he finally woke up. Despite my multiple efforts to talk about it. Maybe Josh could help me understand instead.

When I approached, Josh stood up. Ever the gentleman. I smiled in recognition of the act before sitting down. Josh sat down after me.

He was smiling too. But I could tell he was also confused. Me too, buddy.

"Hey, Josh."

"Hey, Jenna. What's up?"

I had two choices here. I could start with some small talk and try to make Josh more comfortable. Or I could just come right out with it and get to the bottom of it quicker. The look on Josh's face told me that he was already suspicious for my calling him here. I might as well say what I have to say.

"We need to talk about Tyler."

"What about Tyler?" He lifted the menu, scanning over the list of foods to avoid looking at me. He was closing me out before I even told him why he was here. Great.

"Does he have any. . . diagnosed mental problems?" I tried to say it casually. Of course I failed.

His eyes snapped to mine. Now I had his full attention.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Does he?"

"No."

"There's something wrong with him, Josh." I leaned in so he'd hear my whisper better.

"Nothing is wrong with him." The words were hard. Final. Maybe he didn't know.

"Yes." I insisted. "There is. I think he hears voices."

"You have no idea what you're taking about."

"Maybe you don't." I didn't mean to get sassy but he was talking to me like I was an idiot. Either he really didn't know, or he didn't want me to know.

"I know everything about Tyler."

"Josh." I said his name as gently as I could. We were starting off on the wrong foot here. We needed to be on the same team to help Tyler. "I think he really needs help."

"I help him."

So he knew. Good. I'd feel like crap if I was exposing a secret so personal that he was hiding it from his best friend.

"But you can't help him all the time."

"Yes I can." His chin lifted. "I have."

"What about the times when you aren't there?"

"We're rarely separated. But in the rare instance that we are, Tyler knows all he has to do is call."

"He called you when you were at the dentist."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I was there, Josh. I was coming to say hi and I heard him screaming. So I walked in and I found him on the floor in the kitchen. Attempting to crawl to something. I was so scared. I didn't know what to do. I thought he'd fallen and hurt himself. But he begged me not to call for help. He said he heard voices."

"He doesn't hear voices-"

"Josh you have to admit-"

"He hears a voice. One. Singular." He looked around to make sure no one was listening to us. They weren't. I sat there quietly waiting for him to explain further. "Sometimes there's a voice in his head. You know that figurative devil and angel on all of our shoulders?" I nodded. Too engrossed to speak. "It's like that. But Tyler only has a devil. And he's not telling him to be evil or anything. He just comes around randomly and beats up his self esteem. But he's getting better. I'm making him better."

"I saw him. He's not getting better."

"It rarely happens now."

"But it still happens. That's not okay, Josh." My voice was even softer now. Maybe if I spoke nicer, he wouldn't get offended again.

His shoulders lifted and dropped. "It's just the way he is. Take it or leave it."

"We need to get him help."

"He doesn't want help, Jenna. Why don't you understand that?"

"But we have an obligation to make sure he's okay."

"I would never make Tyler do something he doesn't want to do. You don't understand. He'll feel like I just gave up on him. Like the voice always tells him I will. He'll think I got tired of helping him and threw him into some psych ward."

"Josh-"

"I made a promise to him a long time ago. And I will never break a promise to my best friend. He's too small and fragile to be without people he trust. So until he tells me otherwise, I'm going to help him the way he asked me to."

"I think Tyler would understand if we-"

"Why do you keep saying we?" Josh snapped. I blinked in shock. I barely knew him but I could tell that was out of character. "It's just me. It's not your choice. It's none of your business. This is something between Tyler and I."

"I care about him too." I did. More than I probably should after the short amount of time I'd known him.

"You've hung out with him
Twice. It's not the same. You don't know him like I do."

"But I want to." Josh's eyes narrowed at my words. I know he wasn't angry with me. He was just trying to protect Tyler. I loved the unquestionable loyalty he had towards him. Everyone needed a friend like Josh. He just needed to understand that we were on the same side. "I will know him one day. And Tyler wants to know me too."

He shrugged again.

"Josh, I'm in Tyler's life now. And I'm not making plans to go anywhere any time soon."

"You're not the first girl to say that to me."

"But I'm going to be the last." God, please let me be the last. "Tyler and I like each other, Josh. A lot."

"We like each other too."

I smiled at his genuine naivety. "I mean as more than friends. And I'm not trying to take your place. I could never. But Tyler can have a best friend and a girlfriend too."

"I know that." He said indignantly. Darn, I'd offended him again. "But maybe we should wait until you're actually his girlfriend to have this talk."

"Good point." I chuckled. Josh smiled. "But I'm still his friend."

"Okay."

"And." I placed my hand palm up on the table. An invitation. "I want to be your friend too."

He stared at my hand for only a second before he covered it with his. "Okay."

"Okay." I laced our fingers briefly before picking up my menu. "Now, shall we order sundaes?"

"I'm not really-"

"I bet you ten bucks I could eat mine quicker."

He grinned. "You're on."