But Who Would You Live For?

When Did You Believe You Were Alone?

Joshua:

Tyler and I weren't on speaking terms. There seemed to be quite a lot of that happening to us since the beginning of this tour. My mother used to tell me, Joshua, you don't really know a person until you move in with them. And my grandmother used to tell me, Joshy, you never really know someone until you marry them. Well neither of them must have went on tour with someone. Because that's when the real person came out.

The person who was a hypocrite on every matter ever. The person who was rude to someone just because they were jealous of their relationship with you. The person who called their girlfriend every time they argued instead of talking it out like adults. The person who would give you dirty looks or refuse to look at you in a room full of people. And, worst of all, the person who would leave to go get Taco Bell without you while you were sleep.

That was the Tyler Joseph I'd grown to know over the months of tour. And yet, I still loved the man more than anything in the world. Every morning I woke up without him squished next to me in bed, was a morning I didn't really want to get up. Every afternoon I spent hanging out with the guys instead of being with Tyler, was an afternoon I didn't really want. Every night I went to bed alone and staring at the back of Tyler's head, was a night I wanted to cry into my pillow.

He was my best friend in the world. This wasn't how we were supposed to be. And I was going to talk to him about it tonight. I'd been planning the conversation in my head all day. It made me all jittery and nervous. This could go well. Or this could go really really bad. Which is why I decided to wait until after the show. I didn't want to feel the need to cry on stage more than I already did.

I felt like I needed to apologize to the fans for how distracted I was during the set. I messed up three time. I wasn't as involved with the audience. I felt like a robot. But no one complained at the end of our set. There was the same standing ovation we got every night.

No one noticed my lack of attention. It made me realize that no one really paid any attention to me when we performed. Tyler is the one who sings and dances all over the stage. I just sit there with a couple of sticks. No one cares about the drummer. I was still mulling over the revelation when I slugged onto our bus, my head down, my shoulders slumped, my spirit bruised.

Tyler walked from the bunk area when I stepped in. He was still wearing his stage clothes despite the fact that he'd left for the bus five minute prior. That was unusual because he usually stripped out of those clothes the minute he was able to. It was always simpler for me. I was never wearing more than a pair of shorts by the end of the set. He hadn't even washed the black from around his hands and neck. The phone in his hand could have something to do with that. Maybe he got a call that distracted him.

None of that mattered now because I promised myself I would make him talk to me after the show. And it was after the show.

"Tyler." I tried, unsure where to start.

"What?"

"Can we talk?"

"I really don't have the time." He sat the phone down. "Jenna made reservations and I need to be there in thirty minutes."

"Jenna's here?"

"She missed me so she drove out this afternoon."

Oh. "Okay."

As if being shut down by my best friend wasn't embarrassing enough, I felt tears burn the back of my eyes. There was no way in the world I was going to cry in front of Tyler right now. Not when he was in this mood. I turned on my heels and headed for the small bathroom. I could head Tyler feet behind me.