But Who Would You Live For?

Waiting Oh So Patiently

Jenna:

The first day was hell and I mean that in the most literally sense of the word. Now I wasn't positive what hell felt like, nor did I want to be. But if I had to guess, if I had to choose an event from my life that I felt was the most synonymous, it woud be that first say. The phone call from Josh. The drive to the hospital. The waiting room. Seeing Tyler laying on that stiff bed in that cold room. And then more waiting. We were always waiting. Wait to see if things get better or worse. Wait to see how his body repsonds to the medicine. Wait to see if his brain activity spikes downward. Just wait.

The second day was marginarally better because I knew what I was in for. The waiting, I mean. By the middle of the second day most of the testing they were performing on my husband was done. So I was allowed to sit in the room and wait. Being able to look at Tyler, to touch his skin, to hear the constand sound of the monitor telling me his heart was still breating, made waiting tolerable.

Of course I wasn't alone in just sitting there hoping something positive would happen. Josh was there as well. Neither of us left the hospital. At first Tyler was only allowed one visitor at a time. Despite Josh's claims to the doctors that he was Tyler's spouse, I was allowed to go in first as his 'sister'. But once they saw his state was consistent, they allowed us both in the room. As sadistic as this might sound, having Josh suffer with me in the room was helpful to my emotional state. Pain is easier then it's shared. Especially by someone who understand where you're coming from. By someone who's known Tyler longer than I have. Someone who loved my husband almost as much as me.

The third day took a disgusting turn for the worst. The medicine that Tyler's primary doctor assured us was the only way to prevent him from having a stroke while comatose, wasn't helpful. In fact, it was as harmful as the fall was. The blood thinner didn't release the blockage that the concusion was forming in his brain. The medicine caused the clot to burst and hemmorage. My husband was bleeding internally because of a medicine I allowed his doctor to give him.

Oh god!

I didn't know what the fourth day would bring. I was almost afraid to open my eyes against the morning sun streaming in through a slip between the blinds in his window. There was an aching stiffness in my back and neck from the way I curved to sleep in the chair next to his bed. I probably would have done better spending the night on the floor. Finally, against the better judgment of the voices in my head screaming not to, I pried my lids open.

I don't know what I was expecting but everything was the same as it was when I closed my eyes the night before. Tyler was laid in the bed. His machines were beeping and buzzing to keep him alive. The room was as cold and uncomfortably all white as before. Nothing had changed. Well, nothing under than the realization that my spirit was just a little more broken than yesterday.

I said my morning prayer for myself and for my husband. And then I stood up and left the room. I wasn't going to go far. I just needed to stretch my muscles after being in the same stiff position for hours. I was passing the archway to the waiting room and decided to peek in.

Josh was spread out on the loveseat in the corner. There was an elderly couple on the other side of the room. And a teenage girl blasting music through her headphones loud enough for me to hear from feet away. As if he sensed me staring in his sleep, Josh shifted on the couch. His body going rigid in it's switch from dream life to harsh reality. His eyes tightened behind the lids before opening. Landing on me immediately. I walked the distance to the chair. Josh sat up to make room for me.

"What's up?"

"There's no change." My voice was gruff.

He nodded. "I expected as much." He rubbed his eyes with the back of his fingers. "But a guy can dream, right?"

"Right." I mananged around my constricted throat. "What time did you finally get to sleep?"

"I-uh." Josh twisted to look at the clock on the wall. "Four hours ago."

I winced. "Sorry about that."

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because you were probably woken up all night by people coming and going or talking. While I was in the quiet room sleeping the night away."

"You're supposed to sleep by his side." Josh paused to yawn in to his arm. "He's your husband."

"Actually, he's been your husband for the last three days. I'm Jenna Joseph, his sister, right?" The joke hurt to make. It was hitting too close to home. What if things had gone differently? What if Tyler and Josh would have-

"You would have thought they'd figure it out by now." He shook his head in disbelief.

"They don't seem capable of figuring anything out." I choked out a laugh. Josh's eyes widened. He was watching me with something akin to fear. Like I was a ticking time bomb on a countdown from a single digit number. I didn't know what he was expecting to happen. I had no idea what disaster he was waiting for until my laughs broke into hideous sobs. I reached up to hide my face and was met with wettness. When did that happen? I looked over at Josh, prepared to throw the question at him. But my mouth had other plans. "Why can't they figure anything out?"

"Oh, Jenna." I had no idea when Josh's arms became a means of comfort, but I was happy they had. "They're trying."

I had no idea how long I sat there crying into into Josh's unfamiliar shoulder. I do know that even when the tears subsided, I stayed in that position for another immeasurable amount of time just to get my thoughts together. Josh didn't complain. He let me fall apart in front of him. I would have stayed there until the need to see Tyler overtook me had it not been for the gentle hand falling on my shoulder. I followed the skin up the arm up to the neck and then the face.

"Mom!" I went from one hold to another. Relishing in the way my mother rubbed her hand up and down my back.

"Jenna, sweetheart, how is your husband?"

"Please don't ask that."

"Okay." Her hand stilled. "Then I'll ask a different question instead. When was the last time you ate?"

I groaned. "Don't ask that either."

She pulled back to give me a hard look. "You have to eat."

"I'm not hun-"

"I said you have to eat."

"Okay."

"There might be something good in the cafeteria." She glared over at Josh. "I'll be back for you if you don't eat soon."

"Yes, ma'am."