But Who Would You Live For?

Ode To Sleep

Tyler:

The commotion outside of our dressing room was doing nothing to help sooth my heart stopping nerves. It wasn't my normal pre-show jitters. Because this wasn't a normal show. This was Josh and I performing in an arena bigger than any we'd ever played at. A sold out arena. Meaning everyone one of those seats would be filled tonight. Filled with people. People who had opinions.

Those weren't our normal crowd members. These would be Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco fans. They were the headliners here. What chance was it that more than a hundred people out there had even heard of us, much less liked our music? Low. Very low.

The half finished can of Red-bull was squeezed in my hand. The can crumpled in protest. The sound caught Josh's attention from where he was standing in our doorway.

There'd been a knock on our door a few moments ago. Brendon Urie stopping by to tell us good luck. We were going to need it. He'd said the second part as a joke but that didn't stop the circulation of the words in my head. Now he and Josh were standing in the open door way talking about something. A conversation I zoned out of in hopes of mentally torturing myself before my biggest show.

Smart Tyler. Real smart.

"You guys are going to fucking kill." He was saying.

"Thanks man, that means a lot coming from you." Josh patted his arm in parting.

"It's should." Brendon pointed to himself. "Because I'm the shit."

Josh chuckled and the shirtless man burst into a fit of laughter. He spared a nod in my direction before backing away. I was too paralyzed by my own thoughts to respond verbally or any other way.

As soon as the door clicked close, Josh was at my side. Prying the crushed can from my iron clad grip.

"Tyler," He was using his low Josh voice. The one that made my skin tingle and my breaths even. "Look at me."

I thought I was.

"You aren't."

I said that out loud?

"Yes."

"Shit." My eyes slid to his. I tried to put on a brave face. Which of course was useless around Josh. He could measure my emotions in a text, why would I try to fool him in person?

"Tyler, baby, you need to relax."

"Three minute call for Twenty One Pilots."

Involuntarily, my body jumped at the announcement.

"You're going to do so good out there, Tyler." He was still speaking low but the words were coming faster. He didn't have time for the planned out pep talk. We were on in three minutes. I felt him push something into my hands. A quick glance downward revealed my mask. The one Josh sewed for me when I ripped it months ago. "You're going to kill it and they're going to be screaming for more when you're done." As he spoke, he lead me out of the room. His fingers circling my wrist like I was a toddler who needed to be guided. "You're going to be amazing. I'm already so proud of you and we haven't even hit the stage yet." But we were right beside it now just a few steps and we'd be standing in front of thousands of people who were going to judge us. Josh dropped my hand. A few of the stage crew were rushing past us. Tweaking literally last second things.

What if something went wrong?

"Nothing is going to go wrong." He promised. Warming my insides with a smile that I realized was fake. "We're going to save rock and roll out there like Pete said. And it's going to change our lives and I'm going to puke." The color drained from his face when he said it. "I swear, Tyler I'm going to puke."

My own anxiousness was instantly forgotten. My protective instincts sparked as Josh's bravado slipped. Making him look as afraid and nervous as I was.

"Josh, no."

"I am." He nodded. "I feel it and it's too much. I don't know if I'm ready."

"Of course you're ready. Are you kidding? You're only the best drummer in this place. How could you not be ready?"

"Don't let Andy hear you say that." He tried for a joke but his voice broke.

"You know what?" I pressed my thumb to my lips. Pursing them against the tip. "I'm going to transfer all the bravery I have in my body into this finger." He laughed at the childishness of it but I ignored him. "Here!" I pointed my thumb at him. "Take it."

His eyebrows furrowed. I wiggled my finger with persistence. Finally Josh gave in. Sighing as he leaned in to capture my thumb with his mouth.

"Thank you." He pulled my thumb away but didn't let go of my hand. He used it to pull me closer to him. "Thank you." He repeated before pressing his lips against mine. "Let's go." The stupid gesture seemed to work. He was standing up straighter. His shoulders squared. "Besides." He started. Yanking his dark blue mask over his face. "Even if we suck, they won't know it's us."

They were the most encouraging words of all. I mimicked his actions. Pulling my own mask on and following him up the stairs to the blacked out stage. I could faintly make out some audience members. Only the ones who were close. I wondered if they could see us without any of the stage lights. Josh squeezed my thumb. I could sense him smiling as he jogged to his spot behind the drums.

A microphone was placed in my hand. Making every thing more real. The cold metal electrified at my touch. Sending volts of needed excitement through my fingertips.

The familiar, ominous sound filled the arena. The silence ended there. The crowed buzzed in excitement. This was it. We were about to show these people who were were. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it. Hopefully we'd make a few new fans tonight. The lights flipped on. The crowd was nice enough to yell for us. Most of them probably had no idea who we were. Josh's beating of the drums was the start. I lifted the microphone to my lips.

"I wake up fine and dandy. But then by the time I find it handy to rip my heart apart and start planning my crash landing. I go-"

"Up, up, up, up, up to the ceiling." My own words were screamed back at me before I could get them out. Louder than I'd ever heard them before.

Me heart stopped beating. I know it did. I felt it. That was the only explanation for the tightness there. It was about to burst I just knew it was. Maybe it was just luck that they knew that part. There was no way so many of them had come for us. So I tested it again.

"Then I feel my soul start leaving-"

"Like an old man's hair receding!" This time there were more of them calling out to us.

I grinned behind the mask. Stepping closer to the end of the stage. Closer to them.

"I'm pleading please, oh please. On my knees repeatedly asking why it's got to be like this. Is this living free?
I don't wanna be the one be the one to have the sun's blood on my hands. I'll tell the moon. Take this weapon, forged in darkness. Some see a pen-" I was bolder this time. I pulled the microphone away from my face to hold it to them.

"I SEE A HARPOON!"