Have you ever cried so much that you can't cry anymore? It's just impossible. You feel weak everywhere.
I was home, for now. If my cancer, or symptoms, get worse, I have to go back to the hospital and stay there temporarily. It isn't a choice anymore.
Nothing in my life is a choice.
I can't live a healthy life.
Pregnancy, the miscarriage, and my cancer diagnosis.
I can't be happy.
Being sick all the time, knowing I have a chance of dying, and knowing my husband could be deployed any day.
I simply can't enjoy life.
All the family and friend deaths I've faced, or just people I know. Being betrayed by friends, fighting with teachers or parents, and always having bad luck.
Grayson fondles his thumb across my cheek as I rest the side of my cheek against the pillow, looking into his eyes as he does the same to me.
The house was rather silent than usual. I rest my eyes and let the relaxation take over.
I knew Bella would wake up soon, so that meant the house would be a party. She's always cheerful and active.
For example, if she had to take a bath, which most little kids hate doing, she would make sure her trip up to the bathroom was like an inauguration.
She was a very creative person, not even gonna lie. She designed my face on her pancake one morning with fruit. It was a pretty accurate design.
I don't know how someone could be that smart.
It almost seems unreal at times.
I open my eyes and find Grayson just staring at me. He's been staring at me for a half hour. He always looks at me as if I'm a goddess.
"Stop", I laugh. "What?" He smiles.
"You keep staring at me", I mumble and close my eyes.
"Well, I'm sorry but I can't help it. You're precious and worth the stare".
He always had a way with words. He knew how to warm my heart or make me smile unconditionally.
I smile and role my eyes. "See? Now this is the part where you become modest. You don't see the beautiful in you, do you?"
I stare at him and roll my eyes. "And this is the part where you don't respond. But that's okay. Just know you're the sexiest woman on the earth, okay?"
I laugh and sit up. "Stop", I say.
I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, but Grayson catches me off guard.
"Damn! Look at that ass! Who is she! Girl you thick!"
I laugh and close the bathroom door.
I look in the mirror at my stomach which soon would stop growing. The miscarriage hasn't taken place yet, but it will any day now.
The door opens back up and Grayson walks in.
He closes the door and grips my waist. "What are yo-"
He smashes his lips against mine and pulls me closer to his chest.
I pull back and look him in the eye. "You're being weird", I say.
"No, you're being weird".
I raise a brow at him. "What's going on?" I ask.
"Nothing", he shrugs.
"Don't lie".
He sighs and let's go of me. "Fine, I'm tired of seeing you sad and when I'm horny, you aren't. I want to make you happy and have sex with my wife but you're too tired, which I do understand, but I miss our sex life".
He had no pauses in between each sentence. I cross my arms and laugh. "Wow, what a loser".
His lips relax. "We have plans tonight", he says.
"Oh we do?"
"In bed", he winks before opening the door.
We both see Bella standing outside the door with her pink blanket.
"Oh... when did you get here?" Grayson asks.
"I'm hungry", she says.
"Aren't you always?" Grayson asks.
She nods. "Pam is here".
"She is?" I ask.
"Yeah".
"I have to clean up. Can you stall?" I say to Grayson.
"Sure. I'll even make her breakfast, talk about Gossip Girls", he says then gaps, "even better. We'll go to Pink!"
I smack his chest. "Go".
He laughs and picks up Bella.
---
Pam and I sat at the dining table looking through magazines while drinking coffee.
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?" I ask.
She looks up and pauses. "No", she laughs with slight shame. "You don't have to be ashamed".
"I know. I just hate being single", she sighs.
"You'll find someone".
I think about when I was in the hospital a few weeks ago. I remember the notes/letters I started to write to everyone.
The only people I chose to write to were Grayson, Bella, Pam, my mom, and my dad.
I grab my purse that lied on the ground. I find a file of the letters and see a few sentences on each one, since they weren't finished.
I grab a pen and grab Grayson's letter.
I had to make sure he does something that I want him to do.
Authors note: Wow it's been what, 6 days?
So I can't sleep:( it's like one in the morning, almost. I have finals coming up and I'm stressed tf out. But I decided to update for y'all! Hopefully you guys are up lol.
Sorry this chapters kinda short.
Well, until next time guys!
Peace✌🏼
