I Need Saving [A Bensler FanFic- Editing]

Chapter 25 [Edited]

I bonded with my newborn while waiting for my husband to return after visiting the kids and announcing the birth of our youngest child. I took special care to memorize my daughter's features as she slept, and then how those features changed when she cried or ate.

"Liv?" Elliot asked as he opened the door. I looked up quickly and smiled at him.

"So?"

"They are very excited, Liv. Emily started crying, and Noah sang a song about his baby sister," Elliot chuckled as he joined me on the bed. Sinking beside me, Elliot kissed my temple before looking at our baby.

"I can't believe she's here, El. The perfect little mix of us," I whispered.

"Things are going to keep getting better, Liv. Tonight will be perfect because all the kids will come up and meet her."

I nodded as I looked back at Serena before passing her slowly to my husband. Elliot took Serena into his arms before pressing a light kiss to her forehead.

"It's so nice to meet you, Serena. We've been waiting so long to hold you."

The kids were still excited when they arrived at the hospital to meet Serena. Emily was incredibly careful with the baby and refused to give her up when asked. She made sure to tell everyone that she'd never give Serena up. When we were released from the hospital, the schedule we kept with Serena was very similar to the one we had with Faith. The sting of losing my baby came back and made things difficult.

"Rena is ready for her bottle," Elliot said, walking to where I sat. He had our whimpering daughter in one arm and a warmed bottle in the other.

I stared at my hands and took a shaky breath as I prepared myself to decline his request.

"Babe?" Elliot asked, as tears slipped down my cheeks.

"C-Can you feed her?" I choked out.

"Babe, I need to get Noah and Em," Elliot replied. I swallowed hard as I took Serena from my husband and then grabbed the bottle. Elliot gathered his items and walked to the front door as I avoided looking at my daughter.

///

When Elliot got home, I was sitting on our bedroom floor with pictures sitting in stacks around me. I hadn't heard them get home, so Elliot scared me when he came into our room.

"What are you doing, Liv?" He asked, making me jump. I scrambled to get a few stacks into the tote.

"Just looking at some pictures..." I trailed off slowly as I tried to clean up the mess.

"What's wrong, Liv? You have plenty of time to tell me, since the kids are snacking downstairs," Elliot said as he sat beside me. I swallowed hard as I grabbed a picture of Faith.

"Please don't judge me," I whispered.

"I would never judge you, babe. What's wrong?" Elliot asked again.

"Rena is a month old, and I don't feel connected to her. I've never experienced this before," I whimpered as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Oh," Elliot breathed, tugging me close.

"I feel like such a shitty mother," I mumbled into Elliot's shoulder.

"You aren't, Olivia. I think it's time you get some help... I wish I had known sooner, so I could've helped more," Elliot breathed, rocking our bodies. I cried quietly for a while before leaning back and wiping at my tears.

"What kind of help, El?"

"Therapy, Liv. You are depressed and need to talk to a therapist," Elliot replied, pushing my bangs away from my forehead.

"I can fix myself! I don't want to talk to someone who thinks I'm crazy!" I sobbed, standing quickly and walking away from my husband.

"No one said you are crazy, Olivia! You are struggling to connect with our child. It's more normal than you think... Kathy had trouble connecting with Kathleen after she was born. You need help before things get worse," Elliot replied, standing and grabbing my arms. He forced me to look at him as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Serena deserves better than me," I whispered.

"Serena loves you so much, and I know you love her too. You just need some time to adjust and someone to talk this through with."

///

I sat in the waiting room of my new therapist, Dr. Brown. I didn't know how this entire meeting would go and if I'd be worse off after the hour I was paying for.

"Olivia Stabler?" Dr. Brown asked as she came into the waiting room and smiled at me.

"That's me," I breathed.

"Please follow me, and we will get down to business."

I sat on a leather chair and shifted for a while before Dr. Brown cleared her throat.

"You mentioned postpartum depression on your intake form," She spoke, and I nodded slowly.

"I have a baby, and I haven't been able to look at her for a month. Every time I do, I want to cry."

"Did you have these feelings for your other children?" She asked.

"I couldn't be depressed with Emily because I was the only one taking care of her, and if I stopped, she would die... Noah was adopted and we were happy."

"You are holding back," Dr. Brown frowned.

"I think I'm scared Serena will die like Faith. I'll get attached and we will lose her as quickly as we lost Faith," I blurted out.

"What happened to Faith?"

"She died from kidney failure. It came on suddenly, and she didn't last long," I replied weakly.

"I'm so sorry about that, Olivia. Losing a child is never easy."

"Bad things keep happening to us. Not too long ago, Elliot's mother died suddenly from cancer. She was doing okay until she wasn't anymore. There was a car accident that could've killed me and my three kids," I frowned, leaning forward and grabbing a tissue.

"Just because you've lost a child and almost lost your other kids... it doesn't mean your baby will pass."

"I have the right to be upset," I snapped, and Dr. Brown nodded.

"Yes, you do have the right. However, you can't let your fear keep you down. The only way you can make it through this is to not give in to that fear. Enjoy being a mother and hold your baby. Love her and enjoy this newborn phase before you realize you were hiding through it."