Requiem For A Dream // Phan

11; Baby steps, Love.

**TW**

Quote Of the Day: I feel bad for the people who have never gone crazy.

Question Of the Day: What's the first thing you do when you realize you're happy?

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I was back to day one I swear, I felt like everything around me was tumbling to the ground but in the best way. The nurses told me if I felt like this, it was a good sign, and that I was recovering, but it made no sense to me. My stomach heaved and all I craved was that fucking needle in my arm. That's all I could think about all of the time, no matter how much people persuaded me, or tried to distract me, I still think about it non-stop.

"Its okay, Dani, it's alright," Gerard has been helping me for the time being, but he was struggling as well, he had rings around his eyes and was breathing in and out slowly, like deep breaths. I didn't want to be around anyone right now, but Gee was the only sense of comfort I had at the moment. So I let him help, even though we both were moaning and groaning about the same thing.

Gee had been there for two years, so, me being me, questioned the possibilities. Two years? So how many times had he relapsed to get into that situation? How did he get it? Did Brendon give it to him? That would make a lot of sense to be completely honest. I would seriously kill for it right now. I'm not sleeping or eating, if I get the chance, I throw it up or only get at least two hours of sleep.

I wanted to do a bunch of things all at once, I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw up, I wanted to punch Gerard in the nuts for being so stubborn and refusing to get better. I wanted heroin. I wanted Phil. The small amount of time I had with him, filled my heart a bit, making me miss him a lot more than I thought it would.

I couldn't do this, I didn't want this. I've managed to finally hit rock bottom after all this time. There was a part of me that wanted this all along, but there was also another part of me that deliberately was trying to avoid the dark, and emotionless pit, but here I was, ruling out all possibilities of ever truly getting better with sheer negativity; as always.

"Gee... ?" I felt tears come to my eyes as I turned around, he looked at me warily.

"Yeah?" I sobbed against him,

"What am I doing to myself?" I whispered, "I don't want this anymore, never again, never again, just make it stop hurting gee, please make it stop." I choked and cried against him, and I'm sure he didn't know what to say or do. He had no control over these type of things, so he just held me there. He held me until I needed to get up and dry heave, but even after then, he stayed.

I wanted to apologize to him, I wanted to say that I was sorry for making him do this with me. I wanted to say that I was sorry for not being the boy I promised to be. I wanted to make it up to him. I am doing this for him, and Phil, and me. Especially for me. I knew I was just throwing my life away with these stupid ass habits. I am 19, what the fuck was I doing shooting up one of the worst addicting drugs in the world? Why did I think that was okay to do?

I regretted it, Gee knew I regretted it from the first time he saw me throw up nothing. I couldn't stand this. Damn me if I ever go back to this. Never again.

Phil's View

It's been three months now. He's been in there for three months. I've been doing nothing but productive shit for three months. I got a job at the downtown coffee shop, and saved up some money for a new place, but, a part of me didn't want to leave him. Maybe we'll go together, that is if he ever gets out of there.

But I'm sure he doesn't want to go the states. I wanted to go to Brooklyn, New York. I loved their accents and the food there was amazing. I think Dan would like it, Plus he doesn't have to worry about passports and stuff to go see his Mom in Minneapolis.

I was thinking about doing something that most people would probably not expect of me, I thought about it a lot and thought, why the hell not? What have I got to lose? I won't get that popular. Youtube is so mainstream right now, So I doubt I'll get much attention.

I had gotten the things I had found on Tumblr to use, but lots of the equipment's prices had me clutching my heart in agony, so I thought maybe I could go with my laptop camera instead and save me from having a crisis. It would have to work, I guess. I had no idea what I would talk about or do in general but I guess I would figure that out later.

I wanted to visit Dan, but I had told him to wait for me, and I'd do the same. I couldn't go see him in there when he's struggling. I've seen enough of the videos on youtube to know what he was going through at the moment. I didn't want to hear him cry anymore. I wanted him to be better.

Two more months, If he pulls through then he'll okay. If he relapses, then he'll have to stay another five months. And I beg to whoever is up there,

Do not let him relapse.

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Its short, I know, but it is a filler, basically.