Requiem For A Dream // Phan

28; Never regret something you once wanted

    Regret is a common thing, everyone feels it once and a while, its normal. But right now, at this exact moment, I don't think regret even exists anymore to me, everything that I have ever done to get to this moment, I do not regret. I don't regret doing Heroin, that seems so bad to say but I don't regret it. Yes, it was a horrible decision but if I didn't do it, then this wouldn't have happened. 

   Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if I didn't end up meeting up with Brendon that night, maybe Phil would've come back, we would've worked things out and then we'd go back to normal. Maybe. But then I wouldn't have met up with Gee and Frankie, Or Kells and Vic. Or, Patrick. Or anybody that is now my close friend. I wouldn't have gotten stronger without going to rehab, it was amazing how things could change with a snap of fingers, if I didn't end up doing drugs. 

    But that wasn't what I was focusing on, What I was really focusing on was the feeling of his lips against mine, I savored it, I wanted it to last forever but we needed to pull away for air. As soon as he pulled away his eyes widened and hesitated before locking our lips once more. This time he went in control, he moved his hand to cradle my cheek and I tugged on the back of his shirt, He was pressed against me, so I could feel the warmth radiating from him, it was comforting to say the least. 

   It was soft and gentle at first, full of hesitation from the both of us, but we wanted the same thing so it wasn't an issue. Then it turned passionate, and rough. He moved against my lips hurriedly, and I kept up with him, he deepened the kiss by licking my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I obliged pathetically, I was a bit desperate, I haven't had this type of contact with anyone in. . . a long ass time, let me tell you. 

   He started to sit up a bit, pulling me up with him, our lips still attached. He accidentally grinded against me a bit, making me whimper around his tongue, that's when we both stopped. I smiled wide, and he did the same.

"Shall we?" He pointed up the stairs, I nodded. He took my hand and we both ran up. Avoiding any weird stares from the neighbors coming out of their apartment.

"So what was that thing you had to tell me?" He asked, but I wanted to sit down with him. To relax a bit.

"Do we have beer in the fridge?" His eyes lit up with the way I phrased my question. I smiled softly, knowing the feeling.

"Only know if you looked," I whined at him, and shuffled my feet to the fridge. I opened it, finding an array of colors from fruits and vegetables, I guess we're being more than healthy, I shuffled to last shelf, moving cabbage and strawberries out of the way. White Wine, Merlot. Eh, It was something.  

"Never thought you were a wine person," He laughed, And I was about to comment something back to him but, I refrained myself.

"Eh, Me neither. But, it is alcohol. . . kind of. Good flavor too." I lifted up to cups for him to see and he nodded to me, telling me it was okay.

I was gonna say 'I never thought I'd be the person to do drugs, go to rehab and fall in love either, but look where I am now' 

   I don't think that would've been the right thing to say, it would set us both off, I didn't want the tension coming back. I never wanted it ever to come back, at least not with the both of us. I wanted me and him to feel comfortable with each other, and not being cautious of what we say. But I guess that is my fault, he's scared to say the wrong thing, he was so fucking precious. 

"Here," I patted the couch underneath me, "Sit, Lets talk." His eyes darkened and he cleared his throat. He sat next to me, and I sipped the cold wine, holding the cup like the fanciest fucker there ever was, and looked at him.

"Alright, whats up?" 

"What are we?" I knew I needed to take things slow, but, I'm one to just get straight to the point. I had to, I like how fast things go. I just wanted to be with him.

"Well, it depends on you really. . ." I took a sip again and pulled out my cigarettes. 

"Me? No, it's not just my decision, sweetheart. Not everything is about me. What do you want?" The cigarette dangled in my mouth as I said this to him, I saw him sort of cringe at the nickname I had given him, but I ignored it, lighting the cancer stick and breathing the toxic smoke. 

"You know, smoking kills." 

"That's the point," I laughed, he shook his head, and grabbed the stick from my mouth and putting it to his. He breathed in fast like he was hitting a joint or something. He blew it out from the side, making me stare at his jawline in awe. Jesus Christ, even though he just was basically killed himself with the cigarette, he looked good doing it. If that made. . . any sense whatsoever.

"Well?" I asked, he knew where I was heading to. He sighed, took a big gulp of the wine, finishing it, and then pouring another decent amount. 

"I want . . . answers." He finally said, I turned my head to the side and looked at him confusingly. 

"What do you mean, what kind of answers?" I asked he sighed, lifting my legs to sit on top of his lap. He got a blanket from the armrest off of the couch. He spreads it out on the both of us and drinks his wine. I was comfortable, and I'm sure he was too. He then looked at me, his eyes full of anticipation and struggle, so much struggle.

"Phil, whats up? Ask me anything. I promise I won't get angry and storm out." It was a shame I had to reassure him that. I felt embarrassed for myself and him,

"Its fine, it's just, I've never felt like this before and it's difficult. . . difficult to really get used to this. But I think its really bad because you don't-" He paused, breathing heavily. "You don't- ugh I can't,"

"What? What about me? What did I do to make you not do something- I'm so confused." I said, we were both exasperated.

"Nothing! I just- I can't do- No! I Can, but its hard and fuck! No shit, goddammit." He put the drink down and put his face in his hand.

"What!?" 

"I love you! And I really am convinced that you don't love me, because of the shit I put you through and I am really extremely sorry for everything I did, but I know you already forgive me but then I'm still torn at the fact that I hurt you but I fucking can't contain myself when I'm around you and fuck! Why are you smiling at me like that?" I bit my lip to hold my grin back,

"I guess both of us were hiding something from each other, huh?" I started to lean in, and do that cliche thing that you do in movies, but before we could do that, we heard sirens outside the apartment building, making us both jump up in curiosity. 

   We opened the door and went downstairs to see a man sobbing furiously, and another just staring blankly at the wall, another just looking at the ambulance in concern.

"What happened here?" I asked the man,

"His boyfriend," He pointed to the man crying, "Just attempted suicide."

"Jesus Christ, who are they though?" When I looked up to Phil, I saw that he had started to cry.

"Oh fuck, Phil. Whats wrong, he'll be okay!" I held him against me tightly.

"That was Tyler," I felt like a living question mark.

"Tyler? Tyler who?"

"Tyler Joseph, and That's his boyfriend, Josh. I knew them, I helped them out with their apartment, you only met them once. Holy shit."