Requiem For A Dream // Phan

30; Young Love.

Quote Of the Day: In weakness or in strength, change can be amazing. 

Question of the Day: I have always wondered how people deal with criticism. How do you?

    To think that independence is key is something I really never understood. I never really understood the fact that people think that being with someone is the best way to go either, you have your advantages, yes of course but hell, being independent does have its flaws. People advertise it like its something to be proud about. Example 'You don't need any man, you're independent!' 

   Something about that line had always made me angry. Leaning on someone for support shouldn't be bad, or annoying, or clingy, but it is. Some people aren't used to affection like that, I don't think I am used to having someone cuddled up to me, I'm not used to having someone want to kiss me 24/7 and I prefer it like that. I prefer to have it exactly like that, I don't know why, but that's just how I am. 

   Don't get me wrong, I love Phil. I really do but this is something I have to get used to. The constant affection will be hard to comprehend, but since I embraced the fact that I love him, I think I can embrace the fact that he loves me as well. And seeing Tyler and Josh like that made me think. This is what would've happened. What if I ended up fucking killing myself, not that I would but I'm just in this other world right now. 

   It kind of worries me that the fact that I am thinking of these conspiracies about me doing something else, other than what I originally done. Like the drug thing, Not even a half a day ago, I was contemplating why I even did drugs in the first place and if I never met up with Gee or any of the guys. 

   So I sit and watch the two cry with each other in relief. Tyler was laying on the bed holding the man in his arms, he looked like he was gonna break down but he was holding it in for Josh, He was trying to be strong, something I am definitely familiar with.

"So whats up with everything now?" Phil asked me, I took his hand and led him outside the room. Letting them have some privacy. 

"Well what do we now?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"Like, where do we go from this point. I'm sober, we're back together, we found Gee and Frankie, Tyler is alive, Patrick isn't but, we got through that. What now?"

"Well, that's a good question. A question I currently, don't have the answer to. But life, I guess, will just take us where we go." He had a point, so we sat on the chairs, the chairs that were like deathbeds itself. 

   I started to think a bit, now that everything is okay, what now? That same question was bouncing off around in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about. It wasn't like my life was planned or anything, that'd be fucking weird. And Boring I should say, To be honest I think that right now, everyone is just rolling with it. 

   Rolling with it is a term that I'd never use, but shit, we were just rolling with whatever happens at this point. It was kind of ridiculous, but fun nonetheless. I like that feeling, the feeling of being free and not knowing whats next. It makes me feel excited but at the same time, dreadful. I don't know whats next, hell for all I know, I could keel over and die. But, I didn't think that would happen, but you never know. That's it, that's all, You never know. So do what makes you feel good, be happy for a while, just so you can be in bliss for a while.

   My thought train had suddenly stopped when Phil suddenly got on both of his knees in front of me, his arms resting on my thighs and his big blue eyes was staring back at me like I was the most beautiful thing there ever was. 

"Oh hello," I giggled. 

"Marry me," He suddenly said. And I choked, my breath got caught in my throat.

"What?!" He smiled and took my hands, 

"I love you alot, and you love me too, right?"

"O-Of course," I spluttered, I was at loss for words. 

"So, marry me. I know we're young, but I think I want you to be by my side forever."

"We're young as hell! I'm barely 20 Phil! What?!" He looked hopeful though.

"Think about it, we have nothing to lose! We might as well!" I thought for a moment. I didn't think we would be breaking up anytime soon, and I've been with him since I was 15. And then this whole thing happened, and we were only separated for a year and a half. So I guess we've been together for quite awhile. 

"Yeah," I whispered, 

"Yeah?!" He smiled realm big,

"Yeah, I'll fuckin' marry you. I'd do anything for you." 

_____

LOok, I had no idea what to do with this 

So just roll with it my dudes.