Requiem For A Dream // Phan

12; So you show up, what now?

**TW** 

Quote of the Day: Your time here is limited, don't waste it trying to be someone you're not.

Question of the Day: Do you love your mother? Or Do you hate her? Why?

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The cravings were getting smaller day by day, but mentally it was exhausting. I was okay now physically, I haven't thrown up chunks, and was now eating regularly. Everything was okay on my part, but now I was becoming worried about Gee. He had been here for two years, and Frankie has been waiting for him for that long, And Gee is convinced that he won't come back. I asked about it in a conversation once, because curiosity got the best of me.

"So, have you talked to Frank in the last week?" I noticed that his cigarette stash was getting lower and lower every day, and he told me that Frank usually buys them so . . . where was he now?

"I- Uhm, Yeah. Yeah, I talked to him the other day, actually." His eyes avoided me, looking everywhere but my face. I glanced down to see that his hands had started to twitch. I pulled out the pack he had given me and held it out to him. He looked at me warily for a second before pulling a stick out.

"Thanks," I nod and flick the zippo of my lighter. I lit it as he held it between his lips.

"What's going on with you guys?" I couldn't help but ask. Besides, I did after all tell him all of my issues. He looked at me again before sighing heavily.

"I don't know anymore . . . " He trails, and flicks his ashes onto the ground. We stood in the courtyard, staring at the rose bushes piling up onto the building like it was eating it whole.

"What do you mean?" I asked, and pulled another stick out for myself.

"I mean, I don't think he's coming again, sugar."

"But we're almost done here," I said, inhaling the cigarette smoke heavily, trying to completely savor the bitter taste on my tongue as much as possible.

"No, you're almost done here."

"Are you not getting better or something?"

"No, I am, don't get me wrong but . . . I have a feeling that shit will go down soon."

"Don't be so negative, you will pull through. You have to finally make a difference for yourself, Gee. If you think you will fail, then you will fail."

"I've given up that kind of hope a long time ago, sugar . . . A very long time ago." And that was the last time I brought it up with him.

Kellin and Vic are gone, they recovered, but I doubt they'll stay sober for long. They're a fucked up couple, always off and on, never knew what they wanted from each other, but were reckless either way. No matter what they did, they did it in the stupidest way possible, just for their own amusement. Sometimes I actually found their reckless acts to be hilarious, other times, just utterly annoying.

They were low life teens who wanted to escape the world, to just have fun and not worry about what other people said to them. Like me. But, I wanted to destroy myself. I wanted to erase every trace of me that was ever here, I wanted to erase every memory anyone had ever had of me and just leave. But, everything had a consequence. It was fun, but now its painful. And it's time to finally grow the fuck up, and move on.

This has to stop, I know that now, but half of me wonders, will it ever go back to normal? Or will I be known as a junkie? Will I ever be able to suck it up and move on? Or will I just sulk in my own self-pity? I had to stop with the cutting, it's wasn't alright. I knew that now. Hurting myself wasn't going to fix anything, but Jesus the craving to physically damage myself in any way possible comes and goes with a snap of fingers, just like that. One minute I'm extremely happy, then I'm angry. It's confusing sometimes.

I wanted to let everyone know who the real me was, not some fucked up junkie who has slits on their wrists, but sometimes I will break. I'm human. That's just how it was . . .

I liked the thought of being better now, the thought of recovery made me smile, it made me want to continue through this, but for who? I wasn't doing this for Phil anymore, I was doing this for me.

"Earth to Dani, you there?" Gee smiled at me, and I gave a small sip of my green tea and snuggled up against him.

"Hey, Gee?"

"Yeah?"

"You ever think we're gonna be normal again?" I asked in a small voice,

"Yeah . . . Think so." Gerard looked as if he was in a dream, he looked up at the ceiling like he was watching his future fly by,

"When . . . ?"

"Soon... Real soon." He repeated, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. I smiled and got up to go shower, I picked my toiletries up and headed for the stalls. I turned the faucet slowly, turning it to set it at a decent temperature. I stepped in, letting the water drool down my back and bare chest. I let the water wet my head for the first time in a while. For a long time being here, I would never wash my hair, whenever I was under the water, I felt alarms going off in my head. Rubbing my face, and stood there for a bit until I decided I should do what I had planned, and picked up the soap.

I hadn't felt this clean, in a very long time. By the time I was out, it had been maybe an hour that I was in for, I shut the valve off and stepped out, wrapping the long black towel around my small waist. I tied it, to make sure it stayed in place and looked in the mirror.

My face shrunk down, something that was deemed healthier than in comparison to what it had been. My nose was smooth and a bit crooked, but I accepted it. My lips, actually full and not chapped for once, made my appearance seem happier. My eyes had started to glisten and I couldn't control the tears that had come out.

I was getting better and that made myself so fucking proud but so confused, it didn't seem like it was a that much of a big deal but it most definitely was for me.

"Oh my god!" I heard someone scream and I raced to put on some clothes before seeing what was wrong. But nothing was wrong in that moment, it was one of those moments where you sit back and smile. Gerard was hugging Frank so tightly that I almost thought I heard some cracks, but I was sure that Frank was doing the same thing

"I thought you left,"

"Of course not, that's insulting. Who do you take me for?" Frank smiled and so did I, Gerard kissed his lips and held his face, almost to see if this was actually real, once he saw me, he gasped.

"Do . . . Do your parents know about this," He asked me, I looked down, ashamed.

"N-No,"

"Aw Dan, what did ya do to yourself?" His jersey accent was more strong than Gee's, it was almost a Brooklyn accent. Gee looked at me sympathetically and whispered in Franks' ear, Once Gee was finished, Frankie looked at me again, but his eyes were full of sadness, he ran over to me and hugged me tightly.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" He whispered and laughed,

"You're not mad?"

"I'm pissed. But, you're getting better though, right?"

"Yeah, seems to be like that."

"Then that's all that matters, right?"

"Right." I smiled, he turned to me again

"I should stop by and see Phil, just to see what he's up to, Yeah?" My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes widened.

"Sure, I guess."

He said his goodbyes to Gee after giving him a carton of cigarettes and picked up his Jacket. He glanced at me one more time, and his eyes had told me something, I couldn't really pinpoint it but it was almost like . . . reassurance, like he had things handled already.

That only meant one thing to me, he was gonna 'see what Phil's up to'.

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I feel really shitty about the last two chapters, they aren't very descriptive as I want them to be. But whatever, I guess I'll deal with it for now