A/N Hey My Lovelies!!!! Its been an angsty couple of days IRL so I wrote this agnsty bit.....Sorry in advance....TRIGGER WARNING!!! Mentions of physical abuse. Enjoy <3
The first time it happened, John was too angry to really register what happened.
The second time it happened, John noticed. They had been fighting, of course, they always seemed to fight these days. John had just moved back in and they were trying to find out how to live with each other again. Sherlock had left some harsh chemical out within reach of Rosie and John had snapped, screaming about how Sherlock was a danger to his daughter.
"John, you are being ridiculous, your daughter does not have the upper body strength to-"
"You are such a fucking git!" John's hand slammed down on the kitchen table, causing beakers to rattle and tools to crack together. Sherlock visibly flinched, his body jolting and backing away as his eyes widened. John froze, trying to comprehend what had just happened. They stood in tense silence for a few moments, John breathing heavily and Sherlock trembling slightly.
Sherlock was trembling. He had flinched when John hit the table. John's chest seized as realization struck.
Sherlock was afraid of him. He thought John was going to hurt him again. The doctor felt pain welling in his chest as he struggled for breath.
His mind flashed back to all those nights when he was a boy, cowering from his father's rage after the man had been drinking. He could remember the fear in his chest when his father would move too quick, or he would talk too loud. He remembered the look to terror he would see in his mother's eyes when his father would go after her.
He could see all of that in the eyes of his best friend. His heart shattered within his chest, slicing through the muscle and tissue, leaving him feeling broken.
"Christ, Sherlock." He whispered, stepping closer to his friend, moving slowly so he wouldn't frighten the man before him. He reached out and pulled the detective close, wrapping him in a tight hug. He could feel Sherlock tense against him and he quickly pulled away. "Sorry, god, I'm so sorry." He whispered as he fled from the flat, not even bothering to grab his coat.
It was several hours before Sherlock found him. He had been walking around for a long while, trying to clear his head. When the detective finally found him, he had settled on the roof of Saint Bart's hospital.
"Kind of a strange place to go to think."
"You're afraid of me." Sherlock didn't respond, moving almost silently to sit next to John. He pulled a bag of chips from his pocket and placed them in John's lap.
"Just eat them, they help." Sherlock said when he noticed John's questioning eyebrow. John huffed a bit of laughter and took a chip, chewing miserably for a moment.
They sat in silence for a while, neither man sure what to say.
"You know, when I was a kid, before my dad died, I used to live in fear of that man." Sherlock stayed quiet, listening to his flatmate. John never talked about his childhood, the most Sherlock had ever known was about Harry and how they didn't get along. "I would try to avoid talking in hopes of not pissing him off. He was a mean drunk." John went quiet, still mindlessly eating the chips.
"John-"
"I used to flinch when he would get too close. When he would move too fast or talk too loud."
"John-"
"You said everything was fine Sherlock. You said-"
"Everything is fine John-"
"You flinched, Sherlock." John fought back the emotions that filled his eyes. He felt Sherlock shift closer and resisted the urge to rest his head on the taller man's shoulder. Sherlock sighed and wrapped his arm around John's shoulder, pulling his blogger close and resting his head on the shorter man's hair. "You flinched. How can everything be okay if you flinched?"
"John, everything is okay. It was a physiological response, I had nothing to do with how my body reacted. Logically, I know that I have no reason to be afraid of you, but the back of my mind is an active place. I can't promise you that I will ever be able to delete that memory, but you need to know I do not fear you John. I could never fear you." The pair sat in silence for a while, John eventually relaxing into Sherlock's side. The detective was warm and strong, and John felt safer than he ever had in his arms.
"Will we ever be okay Sherlock?"
"I don't know, John. Maybe one day."
