Phan One Shots

Trying Not To Love You

A/N: I'm so sorry for how late this update is guys!

(IMPORTANT): While reading this one, you may want to listen to the song which goes with it, 'Trying not to love you' by Nickelback. You don't have to of course, but I think it helps, as this is based off of the song.

If you are going to listen to the song, don't start it straight away. I'll put in a message for when you can start.

Enjoy!

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'You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?'

I fell to the floor, huge sobs wracking from my chest, as the memories flooded back. The pain, the torture, the love and the hate. So many emotions, so many different types of pain and all because of one person; that's you Dan. You did this to me - to us. You drove us apart. You're the reason for our down fall, but no matter what I will always love you.

'Our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?'

When you asked for a break, I only expected you to be gone for a week, but how wrong I was. Days, weeks and months passed where I would only see you briefly while you came to grab more clothes. You'd grab them from *our* wardrobe, fling them into our suitcase and then off you went, slamming the door on the way out. I'm not sure why you always slammed the door. Was it because you were angry? Angry at what? Or was it because you wanted me to know you had been here, because after the third time of you coming in, I gave up coming to see you.

It would only hurt me more to see your gorgeous face. The way your hair fell perfectly across your forehead; you still kept it straightened, which meant you weren't as dead on the inside as I was. Our 'break' apart clearly hadn't affected you as much as it had me. You clearly still functioned normally, straightening your hair, showering most days and eating a healthy amount.

I on the other hand wasn't.

I wasn't able to function properly without you. I only realised how much I relied upon you in my daily actions and needs. I need you to remind me eat, to remind me when to upload a video and when to get out of bed to actually do something productive. You're the one who would wash my hair for me. I remember the way your hands would massage against my scalp and then make their way down my spine, sending a pleasant chill along with them.

I remember how you would then twist me around, bringing your perfect, plump lips to mine and framing my face with your hand. I remember the way you would help me out of the shower, wrapping a slightly warm towel from the rack around me before doing so for yourself. You'd dry off my hair, a small smile playing upon your lips, as you ruffled my dead straight, black hair and how you'd always complain about how jealous you were of it. I remember everything.

(Start the song here!)

'But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to,'

Part of me wants to forget. To rid myself of these torturous memories which are holding me back; weighing me down like an anchor chained to my ankle. I feel suffocated. I'm drowning within the memories of you, trying desperately to reach the surface - and just as my fingertips grace the surface of the water you come along. You stare at me, but you aren't really looking at me. Your glare goes straight through me, as if I'm nothing to you, as if I'm transparent, which I know I probably am to you. You stick out your hand, mocking me, as I try to grab at it and you pull it away. My heart breaks again, as that door slams - every time - a part of my heart breaks away and floats into the abyss beneath me.