When Time Runs Out

Chapter 34

Chapter 34 The truth. The decision. The promise. The list.

Hindi ko alam kong tatakbo ba ako o mananatili sa kinatatayuan ko. Halos manlamig ang buong katawan ko habang nakatingin sa kanya. Everything is clear to me now. Alam ko na kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayare. Everything is making sense and I hate that I have to know them in a situation like this. 

Alam ko na, na kagaya ni Dad ay baka mawala na rin sa akin si Xander. At some point in time I tried praying to Him asking Him to take away the pain because it's unbearable. It's too much for me that crying over night won't take away the pain. I asked Him to give me that chance but I still won't have it.

I started to get tired of asking Him and asking people to stay. To hope that they will remain here beside me forever and as days goes by, I started to believe that maybe I'm really bound to live this life alone. That it's really my destiny to feel the pain every now and then because in my previous life maybe I did something wrong.

Habang nakatayo ako ngayon sa buhangin at pinapanood siya ay unti unting tumutulo ang aking luha. My knees started to shake and my heart is beating so fast. I can feel the shiver running down to my spine.

''Alex"

I've been terrified a lot of times but this one is different. I keep asking myself why can't I utter even a single word right now. I want to answer him, call him by his name but uttering his name can easily bring tears to my eyes. Sobra ba akong natatakot?

Then I realized, back then I don't have anything to lose kahit na hindi ako magsalita. I let people throw words at me and won't stand for myself dahil noon kahit anong gawin ko walang magbabago. But now things are slipping through my hands and I need his words to make it better.

Hindi ko nagawang lingonin siya.

Naglakad ako papunta sa tabi niya at umupo. His voice sounded tired. Ni hindi ko mahagilap ang mga salita na dapat kong sabihin sa kanya ngayon and this days I've been trying so hard to be strong for Dad and for Mom but this time I feel so weak, so vulnerable that every time I look at myself I feel pity.

''Everything is going to be okay right?'' I asked him but my voice betrayed me.

Imbes na sumagot siya ay yumuko ito at umiling. Narinig ko ang mahinang paghikbi niya at hindi ko napigilan mapatingin sa kanya. Nagsimulang tumulo muli ang luha ko habang pinapanood ko siyang tahimik na umiiyak.

The man I admired because of his positivity. Because of how he managed to smile even in the most unlikely situation is crying in front of me. This is the first time that I saw him cry after a long time. I know how good he is in holding his tears dahil para lang daw ito sa mga mahihina. And back then, kahit na napakabata pa namin para malaman ang mga bagay bagay. Lagi ko parin sinasabi sa kanya, that even the strongest person cry when he's tired carrying all the problem in his shoulder.

"Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin na ikaw si Scape?" hindi siya sumagot.

The guy I used to talked to every night. The guy I keep on telling things about my life. Bakit hindi ko naisip na baka si Xander at Scape ay iisa? I should be mad right now. Dahil nagsinungaling siya sa akin pero hindi ko magawa. Sa mga nalaamn ko ngayon hindi ko alam kong paano ko siya kakausapin. Kung paano ko tatanggapin ang lahat lahat ng ito.

Hiniwakan ko ang kamay niya at nanatiling tahimik. I want him to tell me everything is going to be fine. I want him to lie if that will be alright.

Nagpatuloy siya sa pag-iyak. At ang tanging kaya ko lang gawin ay hawakan ang kanyang kamay para sabihin na nandito ako ngayon para sa kanya.

Pinunas niya ang mga luha sa kanyang pisngi at nag-angat ng tingin. Sumandal siya sa bench at tumingin sa langit. The sky is so wide that I always wonder, out of all the people why does it have to be me?