bonjour • joshler •

vingt-deux

"joshua?"

josh was still. he felt sick. he didn't want to talk to anyone, not now not ever. and he thought tyler could understand that. considering the numb faced boy hasn't talked at all in about three days, tyler was dangerously worried. yes, tyler was upset with him. but he did, however, understand how difficult the situation is for his friend. josh was struggling with himself, tyler found out. he knew josh was in a bad place, and he just wanted to help.

"joshua, i - i really want you to talk" he spoke, watching desperately as josh numbly played with his fingers.

and of course, no response.

the small brunette sighed, "i only want to help you. i can not imagine what it is like for you currently."

josh scoffed, feeling somewhat of an anger towards the boy. he felt himself get frustrated. and suddenly, he started thinking. he started thinking bad thoughts. he felt his brain shut down, and he focused on those stupid emotions he had been bottling for months.

"you just - mean a lot i guess"

mean a lot? how could he mean a lot to him? whatever the reason it surely wasn't mutual. josh thought more, he went more in depth about this stupid fucking boy named tyler. and he found himself becoming increasingly annoyed with the boy near him.

"i just want to know if you are okay. i do not know what to do now that you are like this. we used to have fun, remember joshua? remember when i thought the gum was a piece of tape? remember that joshua?"

josh couldn't care less about what tyler was saying now. he was lost in his own brain, realizing that tyler was the root to all of this drama. he was mad. he wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth shut. but he swore if this boy said one more thing about the situation at hand, he would go insane. it was only a matter of time before he would snap.

tyler sighed once more, realizing that josh was paying no attention to him whatsoever. "joshua, this really is not your fault, you know?"

and that's exactly what not to say.

"not my fault? are you kidding me?" josh suddenly spoke, a slight scare jumping through the opposite boy.

"w-well no i-"

"in what way is this not my fault, huh? because it seems to me, that everything nowadays is my fault!" josh spat, his voice growing angrier while tyler backed away in slight fear.

"what? joshua no i-"

"you know what? now that i think of it, maybe  you're right! this isn't my fault! because ever since you came here everything turned to shit!"

the smaller boy felt his breathing hitch, "you do not mean that joshua, i know you do not mean that"

"i was perfectly fine without you! now sometimes i can't even remember my own mothers name! a-and now all of my friends hate brendon because they think it's his fault!" josh was frantic, letting go all of his bottled emotions on an innocent boy. tyler, however, was shaking.

"please stop screami-"

josh points a finger towards the timid boy, "you did this!"

"joshua i did not do anything!"

"i tried with you, tyler. you know? i really tried. i tried so hard not to be completely infatuated in the things you do. but ever since i laid eyes on you i knew everything was going to be ruined."

tyler felt himself break, "it was never my intention to hurt you!" he felt his emotions give way, a light sob escaping his lips in front of the livid boy, "i never meant to start this i am sorry you are right - t-this is all my fault"

"i hate you"

"boys? what's wrong i heard screaming?" josh's mother suddenly walked in, her face dropping instantly as she saw tylers saddened features. she immediately comforted the small boy, sitting him down while josh forced himself to process what he had just said. however to him, if felt as if he had blacked out for a whole three minutes.

"josh what happened? did he get hurt?" she asked while hugging a sobbing tyler in her arms. josh felt his throat close, suffocation soon filling his brain.

"i don't - i don't know i walked in and he was like this"

"oh poor tyler"

he couldn't watch this. he can't see tyler like this. knowing that in reality, it was his fault. josh didn't mean to yell, he didn't mean to scare him, he didn't mean for this mess to occur. all he wanted was a friendship. all he wanted was another stupid brotherly friendship that would fit in perfectly. instead, he got heartache.

"i have to go" he choked out, not paying any attention to the sudden question of where he was going.

he needed to fix this. and fuck he needed to fix this fast.