bonjour • joshler •

•* quarante*•

josh couldn't help but let a few tears drop on his way home. he thought he had experienced the darkening feeling of loneliness once before, but nothing as saddening as this.

his heart ached.

he wanted to cry. he wanted to punch everything around him. he wanted to yell saying how much he wants tyler back. yet all josh was capable of doing was sitting still and breathing unsteady breaths.

shit - wait. no, those breaths were becoming more and more unsteady, more broken, more needy and difficult. it got to a point where his mother asked what's wrong, he didn't answer. he hid his teared eyes in his hands, he didn't fight his brain this time. nothing was worth remembering anymore.

"josh? do you need me to pull over?" a worried tone grazed his moms voice.

josh looked upward, looking around the car, beginning to panic. he paused, "where's tyler? where are we going?"

"oh no - josh? josh do you know who i am?" his mother became worried, knowing that he hasn't forgotten in weeks. he especially has never forgotten his family members, most importantly, his mom.

"i don't - maybe? where's tyler?"

tears pricked the mother's waterline as she heard her son panic, "tyler wont be here anymore"

"what?" his heart dropped, his stomach punctured from the impact, "pull over - turn around"

"joshua-"

"turn around!"

the mother was scared, josh rarely yelled, "we just dropped him off josh, he went back to france. i'm sorry - we - we can't go back"

his breathing hitched, the feeling of sorrow engulfing his brain, "you're not - you're not serious"

"we're almost home, we can talk about it then"

josh watched as his hands shook unnaturally, "i didn't even say goodbye?"

silence.

"did i say goodbye!"

"what do you want me to say!" she yelled back in distress, pulling into their street.

"when is he coming back? i want - i didn't say goodbye. i need to see him again i want to see him again-"

the mother paused, taking a breath before pulling into their driveway. she spoke in a cold and emotionless tone, "he isn't coming back. he left. he went back home."

"you mean - forever? like never ever coming back?" josh watched as his mom turned the car off, sighing and putting her head in her hands.

"yes forever. you remember now?"

"no i-"

"good" she got out, slamming the door. leaving the poor saddened boy truly and emotionally alone.

•*•*•*•*•*•

"josh listen to me!"

"i don't even know who you are!" he yelled back, his mother frustrated with his forgetfulness.

"i am your mother and you will do as i say"

"where's tyler!"

"where's your brain? ever think about that!" she yelled back, "i can't even have a decent conversation with my own son without him wondering who the fuck a foreign exchange student is"

anger flared in josh's veins, "who even are you!"

"joshua willia-!"

"don't call me that!"

his mom sighed, tired with fighting, "why not? why not josh? i can't even call you by your own name?"

"it's nothing-"

"no!" she started, "tell me! tell me why me, your own mother, can't say your full name"

josh took a breath, "he just - he used to call me that"

"who?"

"tyler!"

•*•*•*•*•*•

"hey josh? it's time for di-"

"where's tyler?"

his mother sighed, frustration and sadness in her eyes. it's been weeks, she couldn't handle another fight, "i don't know josh"

"weird" he thought, "whatever, he'll probably be back soon"

she left a sad smile on her face, knowing the boy in front of her thought she was a complete stranger, "yeah, probably"

fin