She's Complicated (GL) [HSS #1, Completed]

Chapter 44

CONTENT WARNING: Readers' discretion is advice.

--

South's

I can't stop the fast beating of my heart the moment he stepped forward inside my office. There's this part of me regretting why I looked up—only to see the man who've been the reason why I'm doing this.

I tried to act normal. Tried to look at him like everything is fine but failed. I can taste the bitterness in my mouth. I want to shoo him away but I'm rendered speechless. Like there's something in my throat, like there's a rope embracing my neck tightly to prevent me from uttering even a single word.

To prevent me by hurting him through words even if I've been dying to do it.

I want to smack myself. If only I could command my heart to do what my mind dictates, it can't. I'm still...vulnerable.

I still love my Dad.

That's why everything sucks. I want to take revenge. I want to act tough. I want to act like nothing matters to me, like I don't care. But all I've been showing is the opposite. Like a stupid character in novels who's trying to look strong and mighty but will break down and cry in the end.

"Anak."

Like a ticking bomb, my lips almost twitch because of the unexpected endearment. Anak? Seryoso siya? "What do you want?"

He didn't answer. The uncomfortable silence lingered as he closed the door. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin. Bawat hakbang niya, bawat pag-tap ng sapatos na suot, para iyong orasan na nagc-countdown ng paghinga ko.

I'm getting suffocated.

Pinilit kong huwag kumurap. I'm afraid I'll lose my sense of reality the moment I close my eyes even if just a bit. Baka bigla akong mag-burst out dito, which is not so me.

I may look emotionless on the exterior but...deep inside, I'm in chaos. I've been fighting my demons and I'm getting exhausted.

I can't help but call the name of the person who's always been there for me even if I'm not asking her to stay. Even if I always end up hurting her. I don't want to inflict her pain but I have to.

Jade...

Bakit kung kailan wala siya, kung kailan naman siya umalis para i-meet yung Papa niya, saka pa ako mapupunta sa ganitong sitwasyon?

I wish she's here. I wish she can hold my hand right now, silently telling me that I can do anything if I wish to.

Jade, please...

But that's too selfish. I've been trying to push her away so I don't have the right to seek for her presence. I'll endure it. Kahit gusto ko na lang siyang puntahan, titiisin ko.

Maybe this is the right time to face my father. But how?

I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff. I'm trying not to fall despite of the strong wind. Trying not to fall, to avoid drowning in my sea of emotions.

"Let's talk."

Hindi ako sumagot. I hate to admit it pero siguro nagmana rin ako ng pagiging expressionless niya. He looks like me specially when he's serious. He looks like me only in a formal attire for men. And I hate it.