Midnight Thoughts ✔

|96| I Don't Know If I Should

I Don't Know If I Should

☆☆☆

I was once in love with someone who didn't love me back for almost five years and a half. Unrequited love at its finest, and because of it, I learned what self love means and I learned to appreciate myself more. I learned to get to know more about what's out there since my world basically used to revolve around him. But one thing I think I haven't recovered from is the fear of rejection.

I guess it's easy for me to like someone new. Out of sight, out of mind, yeah? Leaving high school and then entering college lets my feelings flow more easily than before. I'm already liking someone currently and it's only been three months into college.

I'm not sure if it's a crush or just a pure interest in someone, but I do acknowledge that I like him. And that I want to know more about him. His words affect me more than I care to admit and I like spending time with him. I like to see him smile and I like it even more that I could be the reason why he smiles.

Instead of talking like I tend to do, I prefer to talk less and listen more whenever he speaks because the words that come out of his mouth contain knowledge I wish I knew. Even the simplest things he does, I notice, and I mentally take notes of it, and I keep it in mind.

I'm trying not to let things go further though. I'm just trying to go with the flow right now. I'm trying to take it slow. I'm trying to absorb these moments and make the best of it because in less than one year he'll be leaving college to continue his degree somewhere out there, and I'm trying not to think too much about it.

As I mentioned above, there's this fear of rejection. I'm not sure if I do want to let myself really fall in love again with someone and have myself go through the same process. Handing over your heart to someone and hoping they won't break it; I don't know if that's the bravest or the most suicidal thing you could do.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to get back up again. There's a possibility that it would hurt even more than the previous experience. I don't know if I want to risk it.

But I like him.

God, I like him.

And I want to feel that again. I want to feel the feeling of loving someone again. I don't know if I should.