Midnight Thoughts ✔

|85| Closure

Closure

☆☆☆

It's probably not one of the things he wants to deal with today. But she thought she would let it out anyway.

She loved him.

There, she said it. She thinks he knows about it already, or maybe he could've sensed it or figured it out somehow. It was quite obvious. Two days ago when she was finally packing for college, she stumbled upon her old journals and stories. She realized that during the past five years, her life basically revolved around him. He was everywhere. He was the inspiration behind most of her lyrics and writings, he showed up in her dreams and wishful thinking.

She could've called it obsession or infatuation, if only she could feel the anger. Instead, hurt overwhelmed her. Has he ever been through an unrequited love? Well, she had.

Meeting him definitely changed her life. No exaggeration intended. It's true. She remembers walking down the corridor to meet a friend when she glanced behind him only to see him. She thought he was cute. Well, he was a cute 13-year-old boy. That was the first time she saw him. She wouldn't call it love at first sight. She doesn't do love at first sight. But she knew she liked him, at least, look wise. Little did she know that was the turning point of her life.

Unrequited love. She had felt that. The pain was so great she wouldn't wish it upon anyone, not even her greatest enemyㅡif she even had one. Did he know the feeling of having to love somebody in silence and watch them loving someone else? Did he ever wonder what it felt like to have countless sleepless nights due to lots of overthinking? Did he?

Does he know love?

It may be different for everyone. But she knows for sure she's not ready to feel that anytime soon. She doesn't wanna go through that again, at least not now. Year by year she saw him liking another girl, and another girl, and another girl. She couldn't even blame him. He did nothing wrong. The thing about love is you could love anyone. But so could they.

She would never blame him for not feeling the same way. There was no reason for him to even feel guilty about it. But it wasn't her fault either that she fell for him. She never asked for it. She didn't ask to feel whatever she felt. It wasn't supposed to hurt, but it did. But then again, that was all in the past.

Three years ago, she wrote a farewell letter she never sent to him. That was when she was convinced that she had moved on from him. She never regrets writing it. She still has it with her. She guesses it's true that feelings that come back are feelings that never left. That farewell letter was bullshit. She found herself all over him again for the past two years.

She prefers to write but she'd rather type. And she guesses she just wants a closure for herself. It's been quite a long journey. She's starting college and she wants to put everything behind. High school was long over. She shouldn't dig what was supposed to be buried.

So she's writing this to let him know that there was a girl out there who was once absolutely in love with him and all she ever wanted for him was pure happiness, however he defines it. And she would also like to thank him for not returning her feelings, because she swears self-love was her greatest achievement in her life.

The moment she decided to love herself was the moment she set herself free. She wants to thank him for whatever that was worth it.

She also wants him to know that 2016 truly changed her life too. She gained a newfound friend she wouldn't trade for anything else. She realized that he was more than just somebody she was in love with. She realized that he was that friend who totally got her no matter the situations. She realized that her love for him went past romance and beyond. She loved him for who he really was; someone who was there for his friends, giving endless pieces of advice and providing her with the support she needed.

She realized that if she had to let go of him, she would have to give up on the one and only person who ever understood her the way she needed to be understood.

Thus, she held on. She might still do. Maybe her feelings for him were more platonic than romantic. She treasured their friendship. She silently and secretly treasured their memorable conversations because those were the ones that had her looking forward to the next day.

She wants to let him know that no matter the space and time, he would always be one of the best things that ever happened in her life.

Funny how we learn more about love from the people who don't love us.

As reluctant as she feels to hit him up due to current circumstances that have made them more distant, she wants him to know that if he ever needs her, she would always have his back.

Promises are meant to be broken, and words are often taken for granted, but not when it comes to her. She values words more than anything else. What she says, she means.

She would like to wish him all that is well and good in life.

- Her