I lost her.

* 18 *

It was almost graduation and all the undergraduates were having a farewell picnic. Lizelle decided she wasn't going with me. She wanted to stay in my room and watch movies.

"Are you sure you're staying behind?"
"Yeah, sure. You look nice by the way." she complimented me.
"Thanks. Behave yourself." I said.
"Will do."

I walked out. It felt good to be with a girl who trusted me and didn't make me feel like I was busy with anything suspicious.

I arrived at the picnic and it was full. It looked amazing though.King and the guys were waiting for me.

"Sam!" they waved and I joinedthem.

"Hey, guys."
"Hey man." they greeted back
"Are we good?" I asked.
"All good. No women, just us." King said.
"Haha." we shared a laugh.

We spent time eating hotdogs and drinking our beer.

"Where is that fine babe I saw in your room?" King asked.
"Oh, Lizelle? She isn't coming."
"Why not?"
"Girls and their moodswings. She didn't feel like going out."
"I bet she's indoors with a movie on." King laughed.
"Exactly that, man."
"Well, here's to a boys day out."

I needed to use the bathroom.

"Gents. I will be back." I said.
"Sure. Make sure you don't bump into your crazy baby mama." King joked.
I laughed sourly and shook my head.

On my way to the bathroom, I stopped to check out some cool Law models displayed. They were really nice and informative. When I looked up there she was...Courtney.

She hadn't seen me. She was walking to the hotdog stand. She had changed physically. The pregnancy made her gain weight, waddle and have swollen feet. Her face was beautiful. She was just round but still beautiful. I stared at her wondering if she would see me.

I kept my mind off her and within minutes I actually bumped into her.

"Oh sorry." she laughed.
She hadn't seen it was me the first time. She had to look up again to actually see it was me.

We stared at each other.

"Samuel." she said.
I wasn't sure what to say.

"Courtney...hey."
"Hi." she repeated.

There was silence between us and I decided to break it.

"It's good to see you."
"Good to see you too." she said.
"And how's..." I looked at her belly, afraid to say the word.
"Oh, he's fine." she said casually.

It was a he? I was having a son? Wow.

"That's good." I said.

I looked at her and almost fell in love with her again and then I remembered Lizelle, the girl who understood me. I had to brush Courtney off just to make her understand where her and I stand as people.

"Look...Courtney...just thought I should put it out there. I'm not ready for this...and me asking you about him doesn't mean anything will ever happen. I don't want you. I don't want to be with you."

I said all of that so calmly...but what had I really just said to her?

"Oh okay." she said calmly.
That upset me. I needed her to feel the pain I felt when I had to accept fatherhood unexpectedly. So I added petrol to the fire.

"He doesn't have to grow up in a world where we pretend to love each other. He needs to know how I really feel about you, Courtney." I couldn't stop.
"Samuel, I know abut her." she cut me off.

How she found out was beyond me! I'm glad she knew. I could add more pain to her.
"Uhm...okay...well I want to be with her. She's not the only one but I want to be with her. She makes me happy and gives me what I want. I hope you can accept that."
"I accept it." she looked really sad when she said that.

My intention was never to hurt Courtney in the beginning. I was just so upset with how she put me through this knowing damn well I didn't want it.

She started looking behind me as if someone was on the way. She gave me a confused look as if to ask who is that? Seconds later, I felt a curl up in my arms and a scent I loved. It was Lizelle.

"Hey Sam, who is this?" she asked.
"Uhm...Lizelle, this is Courtney." I said.
"Oh. Hi Courtney. Nice to meet you. How are you?"

Courtney and Lizelle had not met in person before. Courtney knew about Lizelle but Lizelle didn't know about Courtney.

"I'm fine, thanks." Courtney was so hostile.
"So how do you guys know each other?" Lizelle asked.

Courtney was about to answer and I cut her off. I wasn't ready for her answer. Not one bit.

"Well actually..." Courtney said.
"She's a pal I knew from way back." I cut her off.
"Oh, congratulations on the baby, Courtney. The father must be thrilled."
"Oh, he is. Sorry I must go." Courtney said.

She looked pretty upset. She bumped into someone and he one hotdog fell. I wanted to run and pick it up for her but I was just overwhelmed by what I had just done and by Lizelle being around.

She waddled back to where she was. I must admit my heart wanted to run and just help her. This was the mother of my child. What had I done to her?

"Hey, hey! Samuel!" Lizelle snapped.
"What what!" I asked.
"Snap out of it! You have been staring at the poor girl since she turned around and left here. Her baby daddy will be upset with you."
I looked back at Courtney. She was gone. If only Lizelle knew the truth. If only Lizelle knew that I am the father of Courtney's child.