I lost her.

* 57 *

I wasn't lucky in finding Lizelle. It had been weeks since I've seen or heard from her. I was really beginning to miss my daughter.

I was becoming an alcoholic, constantly reeking of alcohol. Work was declining. I was doing so badly in cases. This was costing me.

After a whole day of doing laundry, cleaning and making myself lunch. I decided it would be ideal to go into my library to have a drink.

I sat down, grabbed my glass and poured some scotch. Ah! That burn felt good. One glass turned into two, two turned into three and before I knew it, the sun had set while I was drinking playing my favourite Jazz sounds. Ella Fitzgerald was playing in the background.

I waltzed on my own in the library,laughed at myself and finally took a seat at my desk. I sat down, staring at nothing.

I could feel the anger in my heart building up and when I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed my coat, my car keys and walked out of the library. I turned back inside to take one last sip of my scotch.

I was tired of being alone. I had to have a friend. Just one. White. I know he wasn't much of a fan of women so he would be home. I raced down the freeway in my car. My window was opened for fresh air.

I finally arrived at White's house. I fell out of my car and managed to get myself back up. I was swaying, couldn't stand up straight for long. I felt sick.

I limped to his door and knocked "Whiiiite! White! Come on my man, open this door."

White wasn't opening the door. "Dude come on, I'm alone out here and it's dark. Please man."

He was taking too long "Alright I'm coming in." I yelled.

Something didn't feel quite right. White never takes long to open the door. Was he okay? My friend was probably also drunk from female stress so I ran back and ran to the door to push it open with one bump. It hurt my shoulder but what I saw hurt me more. I wasn't too drunk to recognize this face.

Lizelle...

She was standing in the kitchen with Michaela in her arms. Looking stunned, she panicked.

"Sam, baby...I...I can explain..."

I shifted my focus to White.

"You betrayed me, man." I sobbed.
My heart was extremely broken. I can't explain what I felt at that moment.

Lizelle put Michaela down in her seat and rushed to me.

"Baby, you will get hurt out there. You can't go out looking like this."
"Oh I can't? Let me tell you something. You're loose, okay?"
"Baby I know you're angry but please there is an explanation for this. A logical one." she sobbed.
"Oh? Well...get me a cigarette so I can rest a bit and get this mess off my chest."

I was too drunk to drive back home. It was crazy. Even though we were at our worst, I managed to listen to her by not driving back.

She brought me a cigar instead.

"Ah better." I said
"I will leave you two, alone..." White interrupted.
I looked at him with one eye, took the cigar from Lizelle and lit it.
"Get away from me." I said
"But-"
"Lizelle. Get away from me. Go to bed. Go to your man."

She wanted to debate this but didn't. She walked away, went upstairs. I don't know to where.

I remained on that couch with that cigar in my hand.