Walls

Chapter 22 part1

I lied on my bed as soon as I reached my room. I tried to enter the room as quiet as I can. I don't want Krissy's nosey questions to mess up my already chaotic mind.

I closed my eyes as I tried to process everything that happened this day.

Jayson confessed and Jace is back.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I grabbed it and found a message from Jayson asking if I'm already home. I replied with a yes and asked him to give Jace my number. I'm quite sure they were still together. Jayson replied shortly after asking me if I am sure. I typed Yeah and sent it.

My phone signaled battery empty but instead of charging it immediately I just threw it to the farther part of the bed.

"Good. At least now I can think properly." I thought.

I closed my eyes. Gosh I'm dead tired, for a moment I just wanted to sleep and take a rest but my mind, having a mind of its own, was too active. It kept processing the scene a while ago.

I shook my head, convinced I wouldn't be able to fall asleep. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

My mind is running thousands of miles per second that it give me headache. My heart on the other hand is racing an ironman marathon. Both were anxious and confused.

"What on earth is happening to me?" I asked myself.

Just a month ago I was devastated with a trust issue problem combined with a heartache. Now, just when I think I was able to control my fear and trust people again, another problem sits in. Destiny played another trick and my love life came in waving like a maniac asking for attention.

How can I possibly handle this?

Yeah, I'm quite recovered. I had managed to pull in the pieces of my life, my heart, but it is still poorly glued together. It would probably take more time to heal the spaces between, I'm not even sure if it would heal but I'm hoping, I'm secretly hoping.

Jayson.. Was he really be inlove with me? We were close even before and grew a lot more closer lately, it might be a mistaken feeling. Wasn't he just confused and mistaken an infatuation as love? Maybe. It might be a sisterly love that he got mistaken as something else.

Even if its true, I'm also not sure if I'm worth of all this. Jayson is a good man. He is sweet, charming, thoughtful, every bit of girl's dream guy. But would I be worthy to have him? He has grown far from what he used to be. He became better than what I saw he could be. From a jerk, he became a guy who you can turn into. He deserves a woman who would take care of him as much as he would take care of her. He deserves someone who can shine as much as he shines. He deserves someone who would love him and support him in his dreams. Am I that kind of woman? Can I live up to that?

Jace, also, is a wonderful guy. He is honest. I honestly never met anyone I could compare him with. He is just so unique. I can feel his sincerity, his eyes says it all. His eyes never lied. As always, it bears truth. I wanted to trust him but then again, will I be worthy? I create mess, with our lives, with everything. He doesn't need to be dragged into a whirlpool of insecurities I deal with. He knows that. He knew my issues. Yet he's here. Am I really worth it? What if he just got blinded and clouded by a former truth? What if he just thinks he loves me but in actuality he only think as is but doesn't really feel that way? What if one day my issues won me again, will he be able to stand with me?

I pressed my fingers over my forehead trying to massage the tension.

I have too many questions that I can't help but wonder, can I do this? Can I survive this if my heart is still bruised from the previous battle, battered by experiences, torn by people I have trusted myself with?