CAPTIVITY

1. Fuck the Johnny Senses

(Ashley POV)

"What the fuck, Why now?" 

I curse myself out as I splash my face with frigid cold water before falling back against the wall of the bathroom in my apartment. Gripping the left side of my chest as the pain continues to burn through my ribcage. I knew what this was and it hurt like hell.

 "Fuck you Jonathan and your stupid sappy feelings," I groan as I slide down the wall to the floor, holding my head in my hands.

 I felt like I was imprisoned by his inevitable sadness, connected to him by an invisible string that I had no way of cutting. 

How could I ever move on from him if everytime he gets upset I instantly have a heart attack? I wonder if he feels the same way sometimes. Struggling as much as I do.

 But this is what I wanted right? 

I guess this is what I deserve. 

The floor to ceiling mirror reflects my position as I stare at myself in its crystal glass.

God, I look horrible. I look like I just came home from an early morning party with an intense hangover, holy shit. 

I laugh at my pathetic self before forcing my legs to work as I stand up and go back into the bedroom. Collapsing onto the bed and curling up my legs to my chest, before being gripped by the uncontrollable tears falling from overused tear ducts to the poor pillow that had to soak it all in. I cover my face with my hands to stop myself from looking over at the empty space beside me.

 After three months, I still wasn't acclimated to this overwhelming loneliness. I try to stuff my head in the pillow to keep myself from waking my poor little Finley in the next room over. But the tears were so hard to contain and every day this weight was getting heavier and heavier.

 I thought separating from him would solve all my problems but it just made things worse. 

There's a small jingle coming from beneath me and I look up surprised, digging under my chest to find my phone as I try to stop the tears. When I see the collar ID I almost choked. It had been a long time since I had last seen that number on my phone. I fight myself back and forth for a few moments before giving in and just answer the damn call. 

"What the fuck do you want!" I growl but the voice on the other side stays calm, I can hear his loss of breath as he figures out what to say.

 "Is that how you answer the phone to everyone?! I would hate to owe you anything..." He chuckles softly and I feel my heart start to slow to its normal pace. 

"No, but you're a special kind of dumbass," I sigh while sniffling a little.

 "Really Johnny, what do you want?" I try to be nicer this time in hopes he'll actually answer the damn question. 

"I-I guess this sounds really fucked up, but I just wanted to see if you were okay," The amount of concern in his voice was touching and the innocent sentiment behind it was annoyingly sweet but I try to shake myself out of it. I have to. 

"Jonathan, what are you doing up at this time anyway?" I ask knowing it had to be around two am. 

"I don't really get much sleep anymore because...but that's beside the point. I don't know why I called you really. I just felt like I had too." He says and there's a small twinge of guilt in my heart. 

"I'm surprised you haven't replaced me with the assistant already," I add while playing with the crisp lines in the sheets. 

"No one could replace you Ash, The assistant isn't abusive enough for me. He needs some more sharp edges that could stab me right through the heart before he even has a shot at being with me." Johnny laughs to himself and I try to hold in my own laughter.

 "Jeez that's harsh and if you keep going with the sappy shit I'm going to hang up, You know I hate that."

I pretend to care when really I loved his sappy side I just told him I hated it, the more I think about it the more I realize how many lies I had told Jonathan throughout these past few years. He never listened to me anyway so I guess it didn't matter much either way. 

"No, don't hang up...I know you hate me and all but...I really miss you," he almost whimpers and the guilt builds up. 

"I don't hate you," I confess first. Surprised that if he thought I hated him all this time, what other guilt might he be holding. I hope I can relieve at least some of it. 

"If you don't hate me, what's the real reason why you left me?" He asks and I go to speak but he interrupts me. 

"Ashley...you don't have to answer. But I've gone through every situation. Every argument, every fight, everything you've ever said to me and I can't find it... Did you leave because you were bored of me? Was I not good enough for you all this time?" 

Although his voice was so soft, I could tell there were small tears rolling down his stubble cheeks at this very moment and I gulp down the lump in my throat. I could feel his emotions in the rasped syllables of every word seeping in like the guilt I held on my chest. I had accidentally pulled out the drawer containing all his deepest insecurities. 

"No, it wasn't you," I tell him truthfully but by the shaky breath he took. 
I could tell he didn't believe me.
 He never would.

 "No. Stop lying to me Ash. It had to be me. There's something wrong with me that you don't like. It's okay I never thought I would be enough for you anyway. I'm surprised you even married me to begin with. I guess I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up when I thought we were meant to last forever." He says and the tears work their way down all over again.

 "Jonathan. It wasn't you. It was me." I try to reinforce it. 

The line stays silent for a few moments and I can hear him crying on the other side. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to crawl back and hold him in my arms to comfort him in some way but I couldn't.

 After a few moments, there's a brief pause and I could tell he was going to say something but I come first. 

"I love you," 

I whisper softly before hanging up.

 Not wanting to know what his answer would be.