i want to cry and i don't know why
something in my subconscious is telling me lies
i need to cry and i don't know why
my chest feels like it's on fire
i cant explain it
i wish i could write it in poetry
but i can not
it doesn't belong in poetry
there is no way to make it sound pretty.
so i will be blunt
and say it directly.
i'm dying
but in perfect health.
i'm suffocating
but my lungs are working fine.
i'm drowning
but i'm not near water.
i'm bleeding out
but there is no blood.
bleeding out through my fingertips, i assume.
bleeding out through my keyboard,
because i don't know any other way to say what i'm feeling.
and there it is.
as they say,
i'm not alive
i'm just breathing.
i'm scared of myself
because i can watch and read my favorite characters' death
and it does not hurt anymore.
my heart is numb
because it got too cold
it turned numb
and though it's beating
it stopped.
because that's the terrifying thing about depression,
at some point you'll pass that mental caution tape
and when you do
things crawl out of the dark
and you see their glowing eyes when you close your eyelids.
you see the blood flowing down your wrist
because god fucking damn
you've gone numb and you're trying to feel something.
it's terrifying
when you get to that point
where you just don't care anymore.
you get to that point where you don't give a single fuck if you're crying in public,
you get to that point where you don't give a single fuck about wearing long sleeves,
and it is not confidence that fueled the decision to do those things,
it is just simply not caring.
it is not simple.
you stop caring if people know you're mentally dead
you stop caring about watching what you say and what you don't
you stop caring about your grades
and you stop caring about who you hurt
you stop caring about yourself
you stop caring about your hygiene
you stop caring about texting that person back
you stop caring about answering calls
you stop caring about being alive
you stop caring about eating too much
you stop caring about eating too less
you stop caring
you stop caring
and it is at those times that you need someone with you at all times
because when you stop caring
you stop being afraid, too.
and it is terrifying
because when you stop caring
because with no fucks to give
that drives out fear
and when fear is no longer there
there is no longer
anything
left
to
stop
you.
