maybe it's pathetic
that it took me seven years
and took you a few days
if any at all.
but i think
that's amazing.
i first met you in kindergarten when my mom was dropping off cupcakes for the class. you were in the morning class but i was in the afternoon and as fate may have aligned, i walked in that one morning and made eye contact with you.
you wore a burgundy turtleneck with jeans and my only thought was overriding every other system in my brain and it was, i want to see that boy again.
first grade comes around and i'm unhappy with my teacher. i switch classrooms and as fate may have aligned, it was into yours.
i had a crush on our teacher though i wouldn't know years later until i knew what it was for a girl to love a girl. i just so happened to sit at your table and you begun to make conversation.
you asked me if i played any video games although i cannot remember what i replied. you asked what system and i responded playstation and you asked what generation and i answered two. you laughed along with the others. i lied and said i had an xbox to make up for it.
mid-year first grade.
we're sitting in the back of this room now, almost leaning against the coat rack and lockers. we can talk limitlessly and the teacher is oblivious.
your murderous tendencies begun to show themselves and i ignored it and played along.
second grade and we've gotten quite a name for ourselves. she loves him, he doesn't love her.
i did love him by then, though and i'm sure our whole grade knew. we've been in the same homeroom for two years and would be for three more.
each of us became close friends with a substitute teacher and she knew us by first, middle and last name. she knew our favorite colors and our favorite animals, she knew our favorite songs and our favorite hobbies. orange, monkey, good life, sewing.
it's third grade and we're best friends.
the teachers don't let us sit together or stand next to each other line, we talk too much and we grow too loud.
we become a package deal and the whole school has recognized it. these kids may not even know our names let alone who we actually are and they know we are never separate.
he knows my sister and my mom, as i've met his.
my life was turning the opposite direction and i was just beginning to notice it.
we've been in the same classes for two years in a row but you haven't noticed. our language arts teacher favors you and our social studies teacher hates you. the math teacher has taken to becoming close to me as i'm not too good in this subject and i tried to understand. i'm put into a class in between related arts without you and we're told we're smarter but it's quite the opposite and you knew although did not say a word.
you made fun of me behind my back.
i did not know.
we're coming back from gym and i'm walking out of the restroom just in time to see you trip. i'll admit you were sweet and soft and amazing when you wanted to be and maybe you weren't as bad as i remember you. i laughed and refused to help you up but it was clear you weren't going to do so on your own and you extended your hand and pleaded with your eyes. i stared into yours and told you know but the whole class watched from inside as i gave in.
it's fifth grade.
we sit across the room from eachother in math and surprisingly it's our favorite subject. i doodle the entire time and you throw paper wads at me.
our grades in that class were slipping.
we talked silently with gestures and mouthed words the minute the teacher's back had turned.
later on our seats are moved and we're sitting right in front of each other. we tell the teacher it's not a good idea and he insists it'll be fine.
it wasn't.
i drew half of a pattern of diamonds and you would draw the other half onto, albeit shitty.
i loved you.
and i told you two years before.
you said i know.
it's sixth grade.
i stopped loving you in june. i looked back on my life and realized all i ever did was live for you, i lived for you, breathed for you, drew for you, worked for you.
i recognized finally that i was a puppet and you had been using me the entire time only to make the other girls jealous and i feel bad for them for having such low standards.
i hate you with every single fiber in my being and my heart has burned for you in the most cruel of ways and it tasted a little like hell. you are viewed as a villain in my mind and it would stay that way for another year. you know i hate you and you laugh. you watch me with collin and god i could swear that was yearning that was left in your eyes.
i could swear you looked twice
present.
there is nothing to say.
there is an empty hall overrun with dust, nothing to be heard but the howling of the wind.
burning hate is what this will be called.
because even though i am now over you
i know that for seven years
i had burned alive,
ashes laying upon my tongue.
-i built myself up from nothing
publish.
