i can't hide the fact that my hands are shaking
that inside i'm breaking
splitting in two, cracking in pieces
till one falls and i fall through
into that cold, cold water below
we've been taught
that freezing temperature is 32°F
but sometimes you'll find
that it's -40°F
and my heart is numb
yet it's not either temp
my heart is numb but it's 52°
my heart is 52° and it feels like it's numb
so why do i feel like my chest is on fire
when my thoughts are telling me to run
why does my numb heart feel like it's burning
boiling temperature is 212°F
but my heart is 52°
i'm thawing
my heart is thawing
could it be possible
that i'm so warm i'm cold?
or that i'm so cold i'm burning?
is my heart dry ice?
i was born in the winter
or so they say
yet i'm not a thaumaturge
so why is there frostbite on my fingertips
why is the ice beneath my feet cracking
why is this hurting
what am i?
why is this earth beneath my feet cracking
why does it hurt as though i feel it, too?
why do i feel like this?
the earth is splitting apart
and cracking beneath my feet
and i don't know if when i fall through
i will meet fire or ice
is there something of both or neither?
things are not as easy as they used to be
the snow is still falling
leaving little flakes in my hair
i catch one on my tongue
why does it burn?
it's burning
it's burning
no, wait, this isn't snow
this isn't snow
these are ashes and embers
where is it—
and i realize a little too late
that they had deceived me
for the fire is already burning through my skin
it's eating my hair and spitting out charred pieces
it's melting the ground beneath my feet
it has melted the ground beneath my feet and imfallingimfallingimfallingimfalling—
and i realize that there is no one there to catch me
i realize i am falling to the hard rock below
and there is no one left
there is no one there
to catch me
for i've done it myself
these are my repercussions
for pushing everyone away
that got too close
and it's a little too late
to just now understand
that what i had grown up
being taught was beautiful snow
is actually nothing
but the flames of hell
and there is no one here to catch me
there is no one here to catch me
there is no one here
to catch me.
and my body hits the ground
and i understand a little too late
why that cracking of my heart
of the ice beneath my feet
had sounded so familiar
yet only for but a moment do i hear it
until there is pain
inexplicable, unexplainable, undeniable pain
like my skin is coiling in on itself
like that of a paper being slowly scorched
like my heart has been fully thawed out
like i am feeling everything i haven't felt in years
all at once
like i am remembering
for one last time
what it was like
to feel.
