i think i'm getting better
i think these scars are fading away
and i hate it.
it's too quiet now
the sound of the waves lapping in my head are not as deafening as they once were
my vocabulary is improving and i'm doing my assignments the day i get them
i study and i practice
and i hate it.
i don't want to get better.
as much as i hate to admit it
the soft sound of those small waves at night
were comforting.
they lulled me into sleep
knowing that within that deep dark
there had to be some serenity
that the light is too bright
and the reflecting against these tinted windows are too blinding
in the dark my eyes adjust so easily and i can see my hand in front of my face
and if i dare to venture beyond what's right in front of me, i might just see the stars
maybe i'll see the moon and stare at it for hours
the clouds baying over the rock like a blanket
the moon is asleep too
in the dark is everything i know
the dark is my comfort zone
the light is the unknown
it's loud
and bright
dark is quiet, soft
soft voices filling your head with whispers of tomorrow
visions flashing in your eyes like gunshots barely missing your face
i don't want to get better.
i see these people around me who have white lines stained against their wrists
and hips and stomachs and thighs and ankles
i see the dark circles under their eyes
like a crescent moon they are all too accustomed to seeing
i see these people who have it so much worse
so much worse
and i think to myself,
i don't deserve this.
i know what it's like
to feel your bones snap beneath rotting fingertips
and if i could hold each and every one
of your faces in my hands
and tell you it'll be okay
i would.
a million times over, i would.
these are my siblings
i know their path like the veins that snake down my arms
and i wonder how i can be smiling when someone is crying themself to sleep
i wonder how i can laugh
when their legs can barely carry them anymore.
i do not deserve this.
take it away.
rip that laugh from my throat and pull the smile from my face
wrench the light from my eyes like a child sucked dry of innocence
