i'm sick of seeing a dramatic-ass photo with a shot in the sunset of a pretty girl with mascara running down her face
i am fucking sick of being called attention-seeking
you wanna know what attention-seeking is?
the people who try to get a reaction out of you.
because without attention, they are nothing.
people need to learn that turning something into poetry and romanticizing the something are two completely different things
you don't get to fucking glorify this shit
you don't get to say you're depressed just because of a minor inconvenience
don't you fucking dare
ever say you're so depressed! they cancelled my favorite show!
fuck you and fuck you.
it's not fucking pretty.
it's not attractive.
if you think depression makes people more attractive, you are a disgusting human being and i want nothing to do with you.
you wanna know what that shit is like?
it's sitting on the toilet at 11:54 PM crying and you don't fucking know why, you don't get to know why
it's playing the sims and realizing you're living your life precariously through this character because you could never do these things in reality and the sad thing is these are just regular, normal, every day things that regular, normal people do, but you know what?
that isn't an option.
regular, normal.
you know what that actually translates to?
white, straight, cis, happy.
and you know what that is?
fucking bullshit.
happiness isn't frolicking in a field of fuckin daises
sometimes you're sitting on the bottom of your shower floor masturbating because it's the only ounce of happiness you'll ever fucking get because you don't remember what that fucking feels like.
yeah, no. i'm not filtering my words. for this one "poem", nothing is being censored. i don't know why that would need to be censored in the first place. a shit ton of people do it. it's normal, and i mean the actual definition of normal, not whatever i said a few seconds ago
but no, not in the way of
C O M F O R T A B L Y N U M B
but in the way of days will fucking pass and you will not have eaten not because you don't care not because you don't want to not because you want to lose weight but just because it's like you know what it feels like for a demon to be in a vessel. because the constant flow of thoughts is just so far away from what's needed that eating and breathing and living seems just fuckin weird and off and why
it's drinking until you can't fuckin feel your god damn fingers and you're high as fuck because hey, if you can't fix yourself then ya might as well embrace that
embrace your mortality.
depression isn't a girl with giant sweaters with cute messy hair crying at 3 am
it's anyone of any gender who hasn't bathed in days and who barely have the motivation of fucking opening their god damn eyes in the morning because fuck please no not another day of this—
and your small victories go from a passing C to the small victories being you got out of bed, you brushed your teeth, you showered, you ate, you peed, you didn't harm yourself, you socialized, they go from being decent reasonable valid victories to shit that makes you feel fucking so helpless and weak and hopeless like a god damn toddler but at this point any accomplishment at all is a fucking victory to you because that bar is set so low that a god damn ant could step over it with such ease
it's not a pretty fake smile it's not wearing a pretty mask it's not hiding your flaws with makeup its boys suffering in silence because people have taught them that you're weak for telling people and sharing your feelings and getting help.
what the fuck?
that isn't being weak that is literally just doing what is necessary for you to fucking survive.
is surviving weak?
hell no.
someone once told me
that if all i do is fight for my own life
then it's worth nothing.
and though i feel as if i disrespect the memory of her by saying this, i will still say that she is wrong.
that is wrong.
that is so, so fucking wrong and so, so fucking fucked up.
why?
because the people who fight for themselves and themselves only are the most damaged yet strongest people i have ever fucking met.
because they did that shit fucking alone and that shit is tough man. it's fucking tough. it's tough shit and it's tough luck and life is shit and it sucks ass.
honestly i hate her for saying that
it is the most un-self aware thing i have ever fucking heard anyone say
the lives of the people who only fought for themselves are worth nothing?
how the fuck could you ever say that?
they went through every fucking bit of war and they suffered and bled just as fucking much as the people who fought for others did and fucking FUCK HER for saying that because we may not have saved a damn million lives but we saved one. we may not have been able to make a difference to millions, or just couldn't, didn't, what-fucking-ever. but we made a difference to one and that is what fucking matters.
the people who died on battlefields fighting for a cause
deserve just as much of your fucking respect
as the people who died on a battlefield of their own fucking creation.
fuck you for saying that.
fuck you
i am fucking sick and tired of it.
if taking care of myself and doing what i needed to do to keep pushing and keep living and surviving,
if that is selfish,
then fuck call me a fucking narcissist.
i am not sorry for what i had to do to survive.
and you shouldn't be either.
we crawled our way up through hell by our fucking selves
so before she goes and fucking says
that our lives mean nothing
maybe she could fucking consider
what we have fucking been through
just to fucking exist.
fuck you, ____.
fuck. you.
i have only ever fought for myself
and if that makes me a bad person
then you are one
just as much as me
a you're-just-as-sane-as-i-am situation.
don't you dare
ever come and fucking tell me
that my life doesn't matter
because i only ever fought for myself.
okay, so you saved people.
you want a damn medal?
i hope it hits you in the face.
yes, i'm very grateful for the heroes of this world
and the people who have saved lives.
i am so grateful of them, and that is not sarcasm.
but if you ever tell someone
that their life doesn't matter
because they only ever fought for their own life,
then you are no hero.
why does their life matter less,
just because they saved less?
this isn't a damn competition.
grow the fuck up
i have not fucking fought to exist my entire life
just for you to tell me
my life is worth nothing.
fuck. you.
and this isn't some #alllivesmatter bullshit.
if that's how you perceived this,
read it again and again and again
until you can comprehend it
because i am sick and fucking tired
of being sick and fucking tired
