when i hug myself, it's like i'm hugging you
and maybe that's why i wrap my arms around my stomach when i'm hurting
because maybe if i close my eyes and squeeze them tight
i'll have you back in my arms again
you'll have me back in your arms again
maybe i've started loving myself more because i realized i loved you
maybe every bit of loving myself comes from you
why does the love i give myself remind me of you
why does every great love story remind me of you
we were so close, to the end
but i helped you through it somehow.
i'll never have myself used again
because i know i'll just get, hurt in the end
and i can't seem to comprehend
what i did wrong
sometimes i hear the happy poems and happy songs and i imagine its us
us on top of the world, us swimming with the stars, us drowning in the love we had but being able to breathe just fine
i once read somewhere that maybe it's not the difference between night and day
light and dark
morning and night
moon and sun
it's the difference between i love you and i need you
and yes, you did love me
but i needed you.
and it's strange that these tears are cold as they slide down my face
maybe it speaks more volumes than burning red hot tears ever would
why is it every time someone hugs me every time someone gives me a compliment every time someone looks at me with genuine love in their eyes why is it that every time a part of me says, but it's not her.
do i want you or do i want your love
i want you.
i want to see you happy and smiling and laughing and reaching your goals i want to see you never have any regrets i want to watch you break the jaw of any asshole who stands in your way and i want to see you smile and the way the fire burned and danced in your eyes when you were talking about something you loved
what on earth would you do if i told you i loved you romantically?
apart of me wonders if you'll do what i expect
and get uncomfortable and tell me that's weird
but another part is telling me you'll say,
i know.
long before you ever did.
and the truth is
when i saw two girls kissing for the first time
one of them was you
and the sad truth is
it was you i imagined an apartment with
you that i imagined a kid with
you that i imagined a life with
you that i imagined a pet with
you that i imagined a life with
it was you that i imagined my best scenarios with
you that i imagined
standing on the altar.
but now the organ has halted its speech and it's too silent in this church you grew up in
maybe i knew it was over long before it was
maybe it was in the way you told me you were going to whatever college your cousin goes to
and i yelled at you that you promised me we would go to college together
and you said you had no idea what i was talking about, you never said that
but you did.
you did.
where did all the broken promises go?
did they drift off into the rest of the sea of broken dreams?
although it's cheesy as hell, you were a dream come true and i guess this is where i wake up
but i don't want to.
god please i don't want to
where did all the shards of our broken promises go?
where did you put the pieces of our broken life together?
the fabrics that ripped and the material that fell to the floor
the sound of glass shattering
where did all our broken promises go?
the answer i'll never accept:
you gave them to someone else without a second thought
and i'm not going to say i was nothing to you
because i know that isn't true
i was everything to you
and you were everything and more to me
the first thought on my mind when i wake up, the last thought when i go to sleep
i hated living but knowing i was going to get to talk to you the next day kept me going
you can rip out the pages of the scrapbook and burn all the photos we have together
you can delete all the posts and delete the comments
but you can't take away the memories
you can shut them out
but if you gave them wings
and still tried to burn them
they would fly on scorched wings
you can shut them out
but they will forever be banging on that door, screaming to be let out
you can take away and sell anything and everything i ever gave you
but you can't take our memories away
you will never be able to take back that moment of hope when we crashed into each other in your driveway
that was what the big bang formed from
a universe sparked between our fingertips
the look in your eyes told me everything.
maybe i still love you
will history repeat?
will i sacrifice myself for your protection?
i'd live for you.
i lived for you.
alone or not
you gotta walk
forward
- cecelia ahern
