that night with seemingly only me sitting in the shadows of my living room
watching it play out as if i had nothing to do with it
but no, that's through their eyes
someone was sitting beside me
someone only i can see
maybe others who are like me
who've learned the truth of fantasy and reality
i was sitting in the shadows, yes
but i was communicating with the person who is now gone
though no one could hear
i recently experienced
my first smile
since it happened.
i came across a handful of photos
holding the person in two or three of them
it wasn't real
no, it wasn't real.
i stopped looking at them
and turned away to something else
and i felt my mouth start to take on a mind of its own
i felt it start to smile
and i shut it down before it had begun
i denied the existence of any happiness.
no, this isn't the time for happiness.
he's—they're gone
and
it wasn't just him
it was all of them
they're gone
he hasn't been seen in years
one is a mother now
two parted ways
though three are still together
no, two
another parted ways
to go find him.
to search across the galaxy
not knowing where in the world
to even start.
no, he's alive
i know he's alive
but no, i didn't want to smile
it felt... foreign
to do so.
it wasn't right
it didn't feel right
i should not look at him and smile
i should look at him and cry my heart out
i should look at him and remember all of them
and fucking cry
and cry
and cry
until the stars can hear and plead,
please stop, that sound is dimming us.
wait, did they say damning?
but as i turned away
i smiled.
as i turned away from those hand drawn photos
i smiled.
and
instead of foreign
it felt
as if
it was such
the opposite
and i
thinking back
or thinking now
i am confused as to—
i smiled
and i felt as if he was there
in that one smile
it felt as if... as if—
i recently experienced
my first smile
since it happened
and it felt like—
