you asked me, why don't you just come out?
and i blanked
i stared at my screen
the blue bar pulsing
and my thumbs went limp against the blaring light
because i just could not understand
how you could ask that.
it told me just how very little you knew
it was such, such a naive comment
you didn't mean it rudely, no, i know that.
but
you cannot just ask someone that.
it is like asking me why my hair is red
it is like asking you why your eyes are brown
as if it is a choice.
so you want the fucking answer now?
here's your answer.
if i could come out, i fucking would.
if i could paint rainbows across my face like war paint
if i could wear the pride flag around my shoulders like a cape
if i could hold hands with the girl i loved in public
if i could dance in the parade with dyed hair
i. would.
you want to know why i can't?
because those rainbows will become just red.
that pride flag will end up with bullet holes in it, torn at the edges and flaying.
those hands would be covered in copper
and that hair would stick to my face
not with the scent of sweat but with the scent of iron.
that question was naive as fuck
it was privileged as fuck
because in asking so
it told me just how oblivious you were
to the blood that constantly covers the LGBTQIA+ community.
and no, the A does not fucking stand for ally.
it never has, and it never will.
and no, i do not mean defending ourselves when i say blood that constantly covers us
i mean our fucking own.
the blood of our suicides, the blood of hate, the blood of anger and fear and judgement and suffering.
so when you fucking asked me
why don't i just come out
i only answered
i do not know.
because at the time
there was no way on earth
i could possibly have explained to you what i just said.
so here's your damn answer
i would rather be in the closet, content and covered in rainbows
than lay disfigured on these streets with a broken, beaten body covered in bullet holes with faggot written across my forehead
i call that question naive and privileged
because you will never have to carry the burden
that being queer lays upon your shoulders.
i wouldn't trade who i am for anything
i would never.
but i would not come out
because all that would do
is put a target on my face
because i dare you to fucking tell me
that the fact i haven't come out
means i have no pride
yes, we are strong and full of pride
but thoughts and prayers isn't going to stop the gunshots
stop the bloodshed
stop the hate
stop the queerphobia.
SO WHEN YOU ASK ME
WHY DON'T I JUST COME OUT
TRUTH BE TOLD,
I AM FUCKING TERRIFIED TO
