You Ruined Me (Scomiche)

Side Chapter: Scott's Journal

A/N - this chapter is a bit depressing - It is not imperative to the story, so if you're afraid of being triggered please do not move ahead. Also there is quite a bit of strong language so, again if you think it may bother you, please turn back now. This is just back-story and insight into the reason Scott is the way he is. This is a side story I wrote as a base for my story and I just kind of cut out some of the pieces that I thought may be insightful.  Apologies for the randomness of it all. Each section is a different entry from Scott's Journal over the years.

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Today I came home from the hospital.  Two days ago I tried to kill myself.

I told them it was an accident. How you accidentally take an entire bottle of Oxy I have no idea, but whatever.

My father was furious. Not concerned, not upset, FURIOUS.

Suicide is a sin.  He yelled and yelled nonstop about eternal damnation and all that jazz. The same old song and dance. If he only knew that I am crawling with sin then maybe he would have changed his tune.

I can feel it all over me. Even now as I write this. He’s in every single thought.

The more I try to push him from my mind, the more he invades it. I see him every day at school, walking the halls like he hasn’t got a care in the world. 

He’s beautiful, confident. I want him, but I don’t even know his name.

It all started at that stupid party Kevin drug me to.  I don’t even remember how it all happened.  I just remember a lot of drinking, a couple of puffs, and a lot of skin on skin.

He treated me like I was his slave, taking my body any way he wanted, and I begged for more like the whore I am.  He didn’t ask, he took.  He took my virginity, he took my innocence, he took my body from here to Sunday.  He’s still taking.  

He’s taking my sanity.

 

The memory of him is causing even more sin.

 

I want it to go away. I want the feelings to go away. I want the pain to go away.

I want him to go away.

I want it ALL to go away.

 

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So I skipped school again. Graduations in a week, who the he|| cares.

No one. That’s who.

I just can’t stay there and risk seeing him. Every time I do those feelings surface again. Everytime I see him I want to rip my heart out.

 

It’s his fault I feel this way.  It’s HIS fault I’m having these dreams. It’s his fault that I hate myself.

I’m not gay.

 

I’m not!

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