Forbidden Love

~ 31

i'm sorry yall for the late update, but here goes!

thank you for reading💗

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I woke up suddenly, every thoughts in high definition. My eyes took in every ray of light and without a doubt I know I had sleep too long. The noises were of a day in full swing, traffic heavy. By the time I had done cleaning myself up in the shower, I was dressed in a knit sweater and a pair of black high-waisted Palazzo. I made myself a hot chocolate and waited for the rays to kiss the plants, returning their virescent hues and ushering in the new day.

While I was flipping the newspaper, I felt a hand placed on my shoulders before a kiss landed on my head. I quickly turned around to see Austin stood over me, fixing his watch. “You're up early?”

“Good morning to you too, “ His lips curved into a sarcastic smile and I rolled my eyes. It had always been like that, since the past few years. I didn't know what we were; more than friends, but less than a lover. I can tell how it was gonna go- that we could never work out as lovers, but I often found myself wanting him to prove me wrong. First we'd flirt and get close, then the closeness will triggered a panic in me I can't control and I'll go cold, like ice. I will retreat. I'll be careful not to cause damage because I had at least learnt that much. Then, when the fear of being hurt all over again had passed I'd come back to him, warm and affectionate, feeling guilty, feeling worried that I'd lost him like I had lost everyone. It will look like 'fire and ice,' or 'push and pull,' but in truth it was an emotional wave that is painful and internal to me. Coming to him, to be healed by him, will break me. To come to him is forbidden, yet to stay away is pain. So there I remained locked in love that brought sorrow, for my heart strayed where it should not.

I shook my head, wrapping my fingers around the warm mug. I knew I wanted love, but I also wanted to stand on my own feet. Austin and I’s relationship was like sitting on a teeter totter. When I first get on, it was a little scary, but I had to trust the other person won’t let me crash to the ground—that they won’t jump off. Together, we were balanced and counted on and supported each other. Sometimes, everything were just even—balanced. We were both in the flow. When one of our lives was on a real high, the other held them there, letting them ride the wave, appreciating them in all their glory—loving them unconditionally. And sometimes, together, we just enjoyed the ride. The joy of just balancing life together.

But a new relationship was the last thing I needed, and it was hard because Austin wasn't lying when he said he would never let me go through shit alone. When I wanted to cry he took me to the movies. When I wanted to shut the whole world out he came over to make me fresh pasta the way his "mama" made it. When I wanted to drink alone he arrived with a shot glass and chips. Every time I pushed back he gave me no resistance, but every time I fell he picked me up, no "thank-you's" required. I didn't want to rebound on Austin, he deserved something real, someone to adore him until the end of time, not some girl who took his kindness for granted. He opened his door for me everyday, but I just couldn't make myself to get in. The feelings of guilt that I had been having terrified me- I was afraid that forcing myself to walk into his door would be the only way to get rid of the guilt, even if it wasn't what I wanted to do.

“... and all done. Camila?”

I snapped myself out of my thoughts when I realized I should be doing something else. “Have Rhea woken up? It's her first day to school! “

“It's still early, let the girl sleep, “ he said, taking a sip of my hot chocolate.

“Oh, well I have to get her things ready, “ I said, already preparing to leave the kitchen when Austin grabbed my arm, stopping me from walking.