Dear Goodbye Diary

Time to end this

Dear Goodbye diary,

Right now its the middle of the night....you're probably wondering why i haven't left? well, the doctors ran some tests on me and think its best to be on the safe side and let me leave tomorrow instead which is a relief for me because if i had left today i wouldn't know where to go since my house is treated as a crime scene and my dad is M.I.A.

And....being here longer has given me more time to think things over and make final decisions.

Do i not snitch to the police and end up getting beaten up continuously? or do i snitch and end up regretting my choice in the end?

well I've made my choice.

Ever wondered why i called you my 'Goodbye diary'? No? well I'm telling you anyway.

before my mam and my brother Leo passed away, They bought me this diary which i really liked the look of and still do, as i really admire the black book with the gold patterns and my name on the front in fancy gold typed writing 'cause its just beautiful but i have to admit i never used it.

That soon changed when it was just me and my dad, i began to use this to write how i felt about everything and about my daily life trying to cope without half my family.

You see Goodbye diary, i gave you this name because it was the last thing that mam and Leo had given to me which i could see as my goodbye present hence the name.

At the time, your name was just a reference and a reminder of what had happened and why i was given it but now...

now, you mean more than just a goodbye present, and you mean more than a goodbye.

Why? you may ask....

because i think it's time i said goodbye.

And you may disagree with me and my choice and say I'm not thinking clearly, but trust me, I've been thinking bout this ever since my dad's ultimatum made me worry.

yes, I know i can snitch and my dad would get arrested meaning he cant touch me no matter how badly i worry about what he could do and i know that's what you want me to do...but you and i both know about the risks I'd taken before and how i was so near to getting away with it, but did i? no.

I'm not willing to take risks anymore.

I'm not willing to continue like this

And I'm not willing to fight a battle I've never won.

As always. He wins.

I take the wires connecting me to the machines off me and carefully get out of my bed. I look ahead of me and see a table with needles and medicine and pills all in a box that i recall my doctor leaving in here to prescribe in the morning for me...

I carefully pick up the packets of pills, each pack with different complicated names and different daily dosages. Some said no more than 2 a day, some just 1. I examine the needles poking at it to feel how sharp it was.(conclusion: Very).

Am i making a bad choice here? no i cant turn back now.

I'm not gonna explain deeply what i did to myself but you can pretty much imagine the details.

i slit my wrists and elsewhere on my arms multiple times with the needles crying not just because of the pain but because of the reminders of my dads ultimatum which just made me angrier and continue hurting myself.

multiple thoughts were running through my head...

each pill i took, my head was remembering every detail of the abuse that my dad never stopped doing and all while doing so, my brain was messing up and forming questions in my head that i was unable to answer....

'what would your mother and brother say Ash?' i thought, more tears flooding

i get up off the floor

'so you're just gonna let him win?'

"yeah...i ...am" i said

i climb into the bed

'you were finally getting along with the rest of your class'

"I KNOW" I yelled but thankfully not too loud for anyone outside to hear

i try to adjust myself so that my arms didn't bleed allover the bed...

'what about Mr Fletcher? whats he gonna say, he thinks your gonna be okay'

it didn't work. The blood went all over the sheets so i decide to just leave it as it is...

'what about your friends?'

the reminder of my friends makes me cry even more

i leave all the wires that were previously connected to me but reconnect my heart rate monitor

i can feel my life slipping away slowly....

'one more question Ashley...'

and hear my life slipping through the monitor....

dear goodbye diary,

i think its finally the end for m_

'what about Adam?'

......................................................................................................................

Authors note

this was such a hard and sad chapter to write...

the poor girl

don't worry, the book isn't finished yet,

there's more to add

so that leaves 1 question from me.... Happy or sad ending?

let me know what you think

Amy Xx