Unexpected

The Last Goodbye

The next few days were full of questions for me. How could I bring myself to meet a realtor to sell my grandparents' home? How could I manage to go through my grandparents' bedrooms, putting their clothing into boxes to be donated without breaking down into tears again? How could I choose the outfits my grandparents would be laid to rest in? How could the refrigerator fit anymore casseroles? How had my grandmother kept every drawing that I had made for her? How had Grumps managed to find anything in his small garage workshop? How many online postings would I have to make to try to sell furniture and appliances? What things would I keep from their home?

This morning, however, I flung my legs over the side of my bed after a completely sleepless night to face another question. Could I make it through today's funeral?

My legs shook as I dressed for the day in the black dress with the red hem that Grams had insisted on buying for me when she and grumps had helped me move into my apartment in D.C. My pendant lay across my heart, glittering as I tied half of my hair back; curling what was left, and brushed on mascara and eyeliner before drawing red lipstick across my mouth to match the dress. I knew I would regret the makeup later, but I wanted to look my best for my grandparents today. Grams had always liked me in red lipstick ever since she'd insisted I try it for my prom night so many years ago. Grumps had always been afraid I would attract the attention of too many boys with lipstick like this on. My lips quirked into a smile at the thought and I pulled on my black wedge heels and shakily left the house, taking deep breaths as I got into Grumps' Ford F-150.

Why hadn't they driven in this monster instead of Grams' small golden sedan? They would have been safer. They may have surv- no. I couldn't afford to think that way. I couldn't think of the 'what if's.

I was the first at the funeral home and was greeted by the director. He took my hands in both of his and apologized for my loss like had so many times before. He then showed me the large hall where the funeral would take place. It was filled with pews like a church with flowers sent by my grandparents' loved ones for me 'in my time of mourning' set up at the front beside a kind of pulpit and two sleek chestnut coffins, both with lily bouquets resting on them. My lips quivered as I nodded to the director's question if I was content with this.

Turning away I was taken to another room where the funeral attendees would meet up and talk with me, reminisce amongst each other, and snack on some light snacks. This is where they would spend most of their time during the viewing. They could go from here to go up to the coffins in the other room to say their final goodbyes before the funeral ceremony started. More lily bouquets sat in vases amongst the tables and around the stands where I had designed several boards of pictures of my grandparents' lives.

I had cried myself dry going through and accepting pictures of them from their loved ones and from their own albums and stashes. There was one pic of Grumps as a skinny little, knobbly-kneed kid with a fishing rod and another of Grams as a young woman, sweaty and grinning madly with adoration as she held her newborn baby, my mother, to her chest directly after the birth. Every picture that included me in it brought back more memories as I aligned them on the boards. Somehow I had never realized how big of a part I had played in their lives until I had looked through these pictures.

Eventually, around one in the afternoon, people started trickling in. Family members that I would only see at family reunions from my mom's side of the family came with their families, a few family members from my dad's side chose to make an appearance as well. There was Aunt Lori and Uncle Greg of course, and people from my grandparents' neighborhood. Old co-workers and fishing and shooting buddies came up to me with watery eyes and solemnly set lips. Earl, Herb, Lucas and their wives stood around me for a while, pointing out a picture on the boards that had Grumps showing me how to shoot a riffle for the first time on it, telling me about how Grumps had boasted about my skills to them.