Unexpected

Recollections and Explanations

"Please Penny," he repeated even softer this time.

His hand on my chin held my face still so that I couldn't look away; his eyes not letting mine go. His gaze begged me to listen, to try to understand, to forgive him, but I was still so furious, so deeply hurt. I didn't want empty excuses! I didn't want to be placated or for him to try to weasel his way around my fury with his silvertongue and flimsy excuses for why he'd shattered my heart.

I'd suffered alone for so long when he was imprisoned with barely a hope of us ever being reunited and then, when we were miraculously able to hold each other once more, he'd vanished like the morning dew when the sunlight hits it. It had hurt more than I had cared to admit even to myself and now my emotions had boiled over into angry tears. How many tears had I shed over Loki? How much had my heart endured over the last year?

Part of me wanted to yank myself away from his grasp and stomp away and yet, at the same time, I wanted to crumple into him and hold him close and just be grateful that he was back with me alive and well. Finally, with another shaky breath, I mumbled, "Fine."

Gratitude shone in his face as I gave in, my angry tears and trembling body calming down as I settled to listen to him. I'd been so confused for so long as to what happened and why he'd left so suddenly. In truth I did want the answers to the questions that had been swirling in the back of my mind since his disappearance.

He nodded gently before starting, his tone even and soft as he spoke to me, sincere in a way that was rare to hear from the god of lies, "Penelope, you know the kind of man that I am and the man that I was. Up to this point I have kept very little of the darkness of my past from you... " he chuckled ruefully for a second, "It's still strange to me how you halt the lies on my tongue and how I find myself telling you the things on my heart and mind that I could never share with another... I've always trusted you from the beginning, even with my darkness. I have told you of my birth, of the blood that runs in my veins. You know of my crimes against the throne of Asgard, how my power-lust and my pent up anger against Odin's favoritism and the 'greatness' of Thor pushed me to ruin Thor's coronation. My desire for the throne and for the respect I'd never truly had knew no ends. I was drowning in self-loathing and envy, letting myself sink into the darkest aspects of myself."

He swallowed dryly, "You know how I had attempted genocide against the Jotuns in my own spiral of self-loathing and how I murdered Laufey, the king of the Jotuns and my father by birth. You know how I took out my rage on my brother by sending the Destroyer to earth to kill him and the wreckage it caused on earth. Then, again, how in my desperate search for a throne and in my desire for power and under the influence of Thanos, I brought more destruction to Midgard in my attempt at invasion and dictatorship. I know how much destruction I've left in my wake, Penny."

Loki's words halted, his eyes growing distant as a look of something like shame or guilt filled his gaze as he considered the sins of his past and of what those sins had wrought. This shame turned into a sharp expression of disgust, disgust with himself. "I do not deserve any happiness after the crimes I have committed against the nine realms and against you, the one person who truly holds my heart. I know that, but... I am a selfish man." His eyes refocused directly on me, seeming to try to memorize each feature of my face as his grip on my hands that he still had pressed to his chest tightened in his earnestness, "Once I had you back in my arms, Penelope, I couldn't stand the thought of the demons of my past, of the consequences of my own wrongdoings coming back to hurt you. I desire nothing more than to have you by my side and as I held you that night after you had cared for me so tenderly, forgiven me, shown such love to me as I haven't known... I determined to cut my ties, to leave it all behind so that I could move forward with you."