Don't Throw Away Your Shot

Chapter Thirty-Three

John's POV

I burried my head in my pillow, sobbing into it. Everyone was gone, it was just me in my cabin, "sleeping". I did try to fall asleep, but my mind was wandering around.

And it all wandered back to Alex, and only Alex.

I sobbed harder as I thought of him. He cheated it on me! The pain in my chest increased as I cried harder, curling up tighter in my sheets and screaming in my pillow. I stopped screaming and wailing into my pillow once I heard footsteps coming up and opening the door. I stayed completely still, trying to handle my breathing as if I was asleep. I tried to contain my shaking body as well, and it worked.

"John?"

Speak of the devil.

I continued staying silent, my body facing the wall that was opposite of Alex.

"I know you're still awake."

I then realized I was shaking, tears blurring my vision of the beautiful and undisturbing wall in front of me. 

"Johnny, please, talk to me."

I  turn around and face him, looking at his pitiless face.

"What do you wanna talk about?" I asked, still in my bed.

Alex covered his mouth with his hand and looked right into my eyes. "John.. please don't cry-"

"Well how can't I?!," I scream, ignoring the fact that I was still shaking and tears were streaming down my face, "You cheated on me! With Maria!"

"Johnny, I'm sorry, I didn't mea-"

"No, you don't get it!" I wiped my face, but that didn't matter, more came. "I TRUSTED YOU! I ADMIRED YOU! I LOVED YOU!"

I slammed my back on the mattress like I did when I did 20 minutes ago. I faced the wall and hugged myself with my arms.

"I still love you..." I mutter, starting to cry harder.

I stayed there crying, and Alex stayed there standing for I don't know how long. I then feel a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry John, I really am. I'm going to head out again, I'll come back later to give you space. If you ever want me to clarify, I'll come back."

At the contact of Alex's skin against mine, I recoiled. But I still yearned for that feeling. It was so warm, and lovely. I craved for it.

I heard footsteps get distant and then a door open, and the close. I wailed again as another sob escaped my throat. It hurt so bad, so so bad. I hope the pain can end, the pain in my heart to diminish.

I closed my ears and attempted to steady my breathing, but that failed quickly.

*** *** *** ***

I blinked my eyes open as I heard people walk in. I faced the wall, wondering when I fell asleep. I wondered what time it was.

I wondered if Alex was here.

I pretended to stay asleep as more footsteps came in and the whispers began.

"That was so much fun!" 

"Laf, use your inside voice, John's asleep."

"Mon ami, i just can't help it, I enjoyed it!"

"I thought it was fun too, but I'm not screaming to everyone about it, right Alex?"

"Yeah yeah, fun."

I began drifting off again until I heard a squeak from Alex getting on the bed above me. I felt like crying again. I missed him so much, I wanted him to come cuddle me and hug and kiss me all over.

But that wasn't going to happen.

I fell back asleep as more whispers came.

*** *** *** ***

I opened my eyes and it was dark. I was in my cabin, Herc's snores filling the room. I felt so cold, but not in body warmth, but in company.

I wanted someone.

But not just someone.

I gulped and got off of my bed, climbing up the small ladder to Alex's bed. As soon as I got on he looked up from where he was laying.

"What are you-"

"Just hold me.

Alex didn't oblige. I lay beside him and started silently crying again as he rubbed my back and positioned myself so my face was burried inn his neck.

"I-I missed you.." I mumble, chocking on my fresh batch of tears.

"I missed you too. I'm so sorry John, I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never do that, and nevre will again. I love you so much, you have no idea."

I nodded into his neck and my cries lessened.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

I cuddled up against him and closed my eyes, letting out a breath I had no idea I had been holding.

"I love you." I said, slowly drifting off.

"I love you too, baby, and nothing could ever change that."

*** *** *** ***

I woke up and opened my eyes, and immediately closed them. They were sore and stung, probably from crying so hard. Once I could handle the pain, I looked around noticed that I was in my bed.

Maybe Alex moved me, I thought, and looked down at my pillow.

It was soaked in tears.

I never forgave Alex.

It was a dream.