"Not everything that makes you cry and gives you pain is bad sometimes there's some good in it too.
You just have to figure it out."
A knock on the door caught Tiffany's attention while she was changing into her pajamas. It was already late and she thought that no one was currently in the dorm aside from her. The rest of the Girl's Generation had went home for the weekends and she was left alone since Taeyeon who has been her company ever since trainee days had been missing in action for a good two weeks since that kiss happened and no one knows where she went but Tiffany knows.. She knows exactly where and with whom so she was so surprised to see their kid leader standing by her door, looking all constraint and distant. And for that moment, Tiffany thought she wasnt the Kim Taeyeon she had known and fell in love with, she was someone else, a stranger.
"We need to talk."
"Yeah, we do." Tiffany agreed as she closed her cabinet and walked towards the bed. This is one of those moments she had wished that the girls didnt left that being alone, eventhough she's with Taeyeon, feels so lonely.
Taeyeon let herself in and sat next to Tiffany. A heavy breath escaping her mouth. Two weeks that she had been gone and all she did was think about all the things that had happened since that night. She mightve been with her girlfriend Jan but all she could think of was Tiffany this and Tiffany that. Well, not all the time, there's just some times that Tiffany and that kiss that happened between them would invade her mind and that led to more things about Tiffany but everytime she sees Jan smiling back at her, all things about Tiffany would soon go away along with her thoughts of what ifs and could be's.
"How long?" Taeyeon paused. It was the question she had been wanting to ask ever since the kiss. She had wanted to call the younger girl but she didnt. A phone call was never a good way to clear things out, it was something she and Tiffany need to talk about in person and so she had dragged herself in Tiffany's room knowing she was alone (thanks to Jessica's help) as soon as she had arrived in Seoul. "How long have you been in love with me?"
"Same as you, since trainee days. Jessica accidentally told me days ago." Taeyeon only nodded at that but Tiffany caught the way her hands balled up into a fist, so reached out and eased it, holding her hand tightly. "I hope you can just be selfish Tae but I knew you will never be something youre not." Taeyeon's head snap at that. Their eyes met and Taeyeon started to become blurry as tears swells up in Tiffany's eyes. "I wish I was brave enough. I wish things hadnt been like this."
"I wish the same too." Taeyeon's hand moved on its own, drying the tears that had rolled down Tiffany's cheeks. "I knew the moment you left me that night, I knew you already chose her." And Tiffany already accepted it and was only waiting for this talk to happen. A closure perhaps, but she was still hoping its not. But who was she kidding? She knew this will happen eventually.
"She loves me Tiffany."
"I love you too Tae and I know you still love me."
"I do.. I still do Tiff. I dont think I'll ever stop loving you. Its just now.. Now isnt just our time to be together. A lot of people will get hurt, your family, Nichkhun, our fans." Tiffany laughed lightly at the last word, wiping her own tears and smiling a bit at Taeyeon. "I think our fans would be the first one to celebrate."
"There's too much at stake Tiff. I.. I cant afford to be the cause of anyone's pain."
"I knew you'd say that, but how about me Tae? Im hurting."
"I cant be that secret lover you hide under you bed Tiffany." And then there was silence. Only breathes can be heard and it was a wonder how it can be excruciating and at the same time comforting. Taeyeon knew how Tiffany loves her family, that everything they said matters to her and that she'll do everything for them to make them happy and to be in a relationship with Taeyeon isnt one of those things.
"Youre my first love, you know that?"
"Now I do. Too bad I knew that too late." Taeyeon intertwines their fingers, kissing the back of Tiffany's hands. "If we both had been brave enough, things mightve turned out differently."
"Yeah, it wouldve been me youre dating with."
"And I couldve been the one that proposed to you in front of those thousand Sones in that concert."
"Youre so selfless Tae."
"And so are you."
"God, see how compatible we are with each other?" Tiffany laughed but it was full of sadness, of sorrow and Taeyeon caught on it too well, pulling the younger girl in her arms. "If we are indeed made to be together, just like the fairy tales you loved reading to me before, then Im sure we'd both find our way back to each other, no matter what."
"What if we dont?"
"Then we're just not meant to be." And Tiffany cried while Taeyeon was nursing her in her arms, comforting her, encouraging her to let it all out for the last time.
"I love you Taeyeon.."
"I.. I love you too Tiff." And they kissed.. for the last time they let each other convey every feeling they had with that kiss. A goodbye, was what it was and they both knew that once their lungs screamed for air and their lips parted, it'll be the end.
It was Taeyeon who pulled away as she gathered all her strength to stand up and took a step away from Tiffany who was still holding her hand. Taeyeon smiled as she brushed Tiffany's hand off her. "Im sure things will be hard for us now, dont you think so?"
"It depends, its a matter of how fast we're going to move on from here."
"We could still love each other Tae, no one said we cant just because we're committed to someone else already."
"Yeah youre right, but that'll be unfair to them."
"Nothing is fair in this world Tae."
"We can start the change with ourselves." Taeyeon suggested and as she was about to open the door Tiffany called her. "I said yes to him."
"Im happy for you Tiff, truly, I am." And Tiffany knew Taeyeon wasnt lying, her smile said so. It was genuine and reassuring.
"I wish I could say the same."
"Maybe not now, but in time you will." And the door closed, leaving Tiffany alone and broken. She realized how big Taeyeon's space was in her heart that as soon as the older girl disappeared, she felt like there was a hole inside her. She knew that Taeyeon took a part of her with her but surprisingly, Tiffany didnt cry anymore, she just feels empty.
Left alone in an empty room.. in silence that had become their unspoken goodbye.
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