After-An Allegiant fanfic

Part 29-Then

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the words. 

Then:

Christina is waiting for me right outside the fear landscape room. She leans against the wall casually, though I can see her muscles tighten as she takes in my appearance. I know I must look terrible right now. 

"You still Four?" she asks, coming towards me. 

"Always," I say, falling into step beside her. She doesn't ask about my fears, and I didn't expect her to, but for some reason I feel like I need to tell her about what I just saw. Like maybe she'll understand. Be able to tell me that everything is alright, that this is okay, assure me that that was. Not. Real. 

"She was in it, wasn't she?" Christina says after a few seconds, reading my mind. 

I nod, swallowing back the bile that rises when I remember it. Her screams, begging me for help that I couldn't deliver. Insisting that she was okay, that I would be okay, selfless to the end. "She died right in front of me, and there was nothing I could do but hold her hand," the words are cold on my lips, dead. Only sounds to fill the void of silence, as if they have no meaning at all. But they have to Christina, because she stops in her tracks and wraps her arms around me. I hug her back, and for one desperate second I can almost pretend it's Tris. But Christina is taller, curvier, different in all ways from the person I want to see. 

"Tobias," she says as she pulls back, moving a few steps way from me, as if suddenly embarrassed by what she just did. "That didn't happen. I know somewhere you want to blame yourself, because then you have someone to blame, some twisted way to make up for it by punishing yourself. But it's not. And it never was. There is nothing that you or I or anyone could have done. The only thing we can do now is live good lives as the people she would have wanted us to be. Because she died to give us this second chance. And so the only thing I can think of to say thank you, to show her how much we love her, is to use this second chance. To live."

And with that Christina walks away, heading towards the path down to The Pit. I follow quickly behind her, still soaking up the words she spoke. Everything she said made sense, but there is this part of me insisting that if I move on and live my life, then I will be giving up Tris forever. I guess I'm just going to have to find a balance. To somehow walk through this fog and find a way to live. 

"Speaking of new beginnings," Christina calls from ahead. "We have visitors."

A/N: Would you guys be okay with a few Then chapters in a row? I just feel like Now is much farther along than Then, and I think Then just needs more. Also I like writing Then better.

Also thank you so much for over 6K reads!!!!!!!! I can't believe that so many people read this!!!!