POETRY THAT STAYS

That last night I wished you were just dishonest

Remember the night you said you will love me with all honesty. You loved me because you saw the things that were unbelievably lovable in me. You took the pleasure of seeing me learning to embrace myself. It was a slow process but you know I'll get there someday. Remember the night when it was raining, the night we didn't take off each other's clothes but we said the words that somehow felt like making love with underneath the glamping sky. How every kiss felt like home. How your eyes looked exactly like solace. How your hand gave me such silent assurance that finally, I was safe.

Remember the night you said you will love me with all honesty. When I was sick on that mid-October, you ditched your work just to stay with me whole day, how you stayed up all night just to watch me fell on my slumber. When you made me that breakfast on bed so I'll wake up with that smell of sunny side ups and bacons and aroma of coffee. Remember when you said you saw yourself serving me forever. How you saw your future on my side. How you wanted to take care of me when I lost my strength to take care of myself. How you said you will always be there.

Remember the night you said you will love me with all honesty. You showed me your basement of the things your 7 year-old self wanted to forget. How you said you don't want to be like your father. How you said when you love, you love it purely. Remember the night you called me crying as you said how much you miss your mom and you wonder how was she in heaven. Remember the night you said you dreamt for a hundred times what our house would be like. And that you want to repaint everything in your memory that reminds you about your father's betrayals and his mistress' colonge. How you want to prove to him you're better than him. You were. You are.

Remember the night you said you'll love me with all honesty. When you went home giving me that handkerchief because it's my favorite color. How you said your goodbye on that morning because you'll be gone for 8 hours. Remember the day you forgot about replying to my messages because you got so much to do in your work. Remember that night we fought in the middle of that foot walk on our way home because you wished you could divide your body into two. How I cried because I just missed you and how you felt so unreal as we walked our way in silence. How you brought me back to life when you gave me that embrace before I opened the door in. How you said you just want to be with me.

Remember the night you said you'll love me with all honesty. How every fight felt like a habit. How every word thrown felt like darts. How every broken promises stopped to matter. How you learned to sleep without asking for my head on your shoulder. How you said you're tired and you just want to rest.

Remember that night you said you'll love me with all honesty. You said you're falling into pieces and that you're falling out of love with me. How you said you want to let me go because you don't want to hurt yourself for forcing the things you no longer admire and that you don't want to hurt me too. How you said you're tired about your life and that you're also tired of us. Remember that last night I asked for a kiss for the last time and you said you don't kiss someone you no longer love. Remember that night I begged you to stay and that morning I woke up and realized I lost you already. That night I was gasping for courage to think about something to make you change your mind. How I stopped smoking the fear of rejection. But you declined the love I told you that won't change no matter what. Remember that night you said sorry for wasting it on you, for wasting my time, for touching me so much, for owning my body for wasting myself. That was the night you became so true about yourself---about what you feel.

Remember the night you said you'll only love me with all honesty. And that you did. You always did.

You had been so honest and right now I just wished you just lied to me instead.