POETRY THAT STAYS

For now, I drift.

I decided to travel without any explicit reasons. I just knew that I had to get a way for a while - that if I didn't do this, I might end up rewriting every pain I have for us into a beautiful story I will surely fight for, again - unapologetically.

Maybe this is me forgiving myself, for having loved you so deeply that I have forgotten to leave some for me. Maybe this is me trying to take back those lies I said, that I'm okay, I'll be fine, I understand - words i replied, repeatedly, blindly, while trying to keep my bubble heart from bursting.

This is me hovering back to those nights where you promised you'll be with me but never did - those nights were the coldest, those hours were the longest.

This is me grieving those breathless, stolen moments we had but knew we can never go beyond it or be something more - and that's that.

Perhaps this is me coming to terms with the fact that I have taken your kisses as promises, your warm embrace as my refuge, your whole existence as my repair, and knowing that these are distorted presumptions. Maybe this is me forgetting those words you knew very well could bend my knee just by hearing you whisper - that you "miss me", that you "love me".

Maybe this is me - moving on, unlearning the thought of us, the hope for us we both knew never existed. Maybe this is me - letting go.

I know it'll be a long-drawn journey, and it will hurt really really bad, the nights will be irrefutably long and cold, but I don't want to dread this process any longer, we cannot escape the inevitable - there's no way around it.

So, however, whatever, wherever it takes me, I will do my very best to pull out all the courage I have in me to untie all your strings from my feet. Until your memory becomes a blur, until your face stops haunting me, until I am able to walk this life freely and be truly happy, I will keep traveling, I will keep drifting.