POETRY THAT STAYS

Merry Christmas My Love

December was supposed to be the best time of the year. Christmas lights dangling on windows, red Santa hats, candy canes, caroling on doors, stars at the top of plastic pine trees. I always told you I can't wait for this season to come. 

I told you it was the only time my Papa come home while working his ass off away from us. This is the only time where I see Mama double her smile while stirring soup, or cutting spices on tables because Papa is going to give a tongue on them.

 This is the only time my sister has been obligated to get out from her room, and forced herself to seat next to us. This time, she brought her boyfriend in the table and had formally introduced him infront of Mama and Papa. 

I now had my cousins' chuckles at the background. This is the only time I received a different gift. Now, they gave me a year planner, new set of paint brush and a sigh of relief as they found me getting excited. 

You always heard me nag about receiving scarves every year and that I completed the twelve colors already.

I remember last year you were here, a year before last year you were also here. I was stunned when Mama asked me what time you might get here. I smiled halfheartedly and said you're not coming. Ever.

They saw me deviate my attention on different things and that's when they got the hint that something was off. Something is wrong. Something is gone.

This is the first Christmas after 3 years that you're not here with me anymore. And I lost you this December. Your cold hands blending on the breeze that slaps on my window. Now, you're not here cuddling next to me.

 No longer the kiss I get as we stood under the mistletoe. No longer the pizza I snatch on the plate. No longer the gift I get everyday as you gave me that sticky stare. No longer the body I dance with my drunk feet. 

No longer the burst of happiness as you joke around everyone and it took an intellectual one to get it. No longer my favorite Scrabble opponent who pretended to lose the game just so I could win. And now, I felt so alone just by sitting here. 

With your face I couldn't assemble in my head. I wonder how you spend this day since you got no family left around here. And that you don't have a lot of friends because you restricted yourself after having me. 

You said I was enough as a company. And I hope you're doing fine there. Wherever you might me. I know one wish was granted and you're glad you had that freedom you said you've been craving. My Mama still admires you and still hopes for you to reappear before this day ends. 

And i still wish you happiness despite of erasing me out in the equation. I still hope you happiness. Your happiness. I should've known Christmas gifts have expirations too.

 Because you vanished before the year ends. But I will forever wish you the best.

Maybe a life without me, has been your Christmas wish too.

Now it was granted.

Merry Christmas, love of my life.

Hope you're having a great time.

I hope this is how you wanted it.